Firstly, is it just me or was this a really weak episode? I hate to say it, but with the departure of Bianca and Ali having a quiet night by her usual standards, this one was a little bit of a fizzer.
Things kicked off with Alana revealing the group date card with the hint, "Love for sail, Tim". Sarah was confused at first, before inquiring, "Are we auctioning Tim off to a bunch of cougars in a room or something?" I'm starting to like Sarah, life would be a bit boring in the Bachelorette pad without her.
As the roster for the group date was revealed, Danielle took the opportunity to gloat, "I've been on every group date!" She has a real talent for making any statement sound unnecessarily bitchy and this was no exception, drawing stink eyes from all directions.
Penny summed up the mood of the group towards Danielle, adding "You're a beautiful girl, where's the beauty in here?" while pointing to her heart. Come on Penny, you're better than that.
GROUP DATE - "LOVE FOR SAIL"
The group date ladies headed down to the docks to get on, as Ron Burgandy would say, an old old wooden boat. Their panned mission to go sailing though the heads to Sydney Harbour always looked like it had the potential for sea-sickness casualties and so it would come to pass.
Sarah got unimaginative ("He can be my Captain Jack Sparrow") while Danielle chimed in with one of her patented sleazy Dad jokes, winking away as she growled, "He can row my boat any day!" As has often the case, she wasn't done there and added, "If they all walked the plank and fell off and floated away that'd be alright by me". At that point I genuinely hoped that she was about to contract scurvy or got shot out of a cannon.
Right on cue, Tim revealed that he has an ambition to go away on a sailing trip with his eventual wife, further marking him out as a bloke I probably have nothing in common with. What bands do you reckon Tim's into? I reckon he's one of those guys that says, "I'm into a bit of everything really, I'll give it all a go," but only actually has 7 CDs, and 5 of them are Coldplay and Jack Johnson albums.
Sarah got Tim to help her steer the boat and snuggled in for some cuddles as all of the other girls stood staring at her. So yeah, just the usual date stuff you or I would go in for. Belle got the much less romantic job of climbing up the mast with Tim, which seemed more of a punishment than anything. Once she got up there, she later admitted, "I wasn't feeling chemistry as my predominate emotion it was definitely more terror." It was no great surprise when she unleashed a loud chunder from up on high, no doubt sending the other girls scattering to either end of the deck to avoid the vomitous mist.
Once returned to the relatively stable ground of the deck, Belle had a lie down before resuming her spewfest, a back rub of support from Tim being no consolation for the fact that she DEFINITELY wasn't going to be doing any smooching. Poor Belle, I know I made fun of the "universal love" and the "chakras", but I'm actually starting to warm to her. But for now, she could only manage a warm regurgitation herself.
Danielle was somehow jealous of the attention and pity afforded to Belle and didn't want to rule out forcing up some vom herself. Way to play it cool, Danielle. Could you be any more yuck if you tried?
All the girls bar the convalescing Belle then took turns swinging off a rope and into the freezing water before Tim liked enough of what he'd seen of Catherine in a bikini and spirited her away for a solo date, sending the rest of the girls packing, no doubt leaving the window open a bit for Belle on the way home.
So back Tim and Catherine trudged to the Bachelor pad where this odd, insincere woman continued to ooze a kind of vaguely unpleasant medley of head-bobbing fake laughs, conversational inanities and, well, not much else at all. None of this bothered Tim though as he seems to think she's pretty hot. Catherine's self-proclaimed cheeky streak came to the surface when she repeatedly licked food off Tim's finger. Timmy was so sauced by this point that he was lapping it up, reeling off some utter bollocks about getting a recipe for the "jus" they'd just chowed down on off a monk. You had to be there to understand. Unfortunately, we were there.
Belying the fact that he has a completely captive array of woman competing for his attention, our Bachelor then pulled a move a hell of a lot like one of those creeps who has read Neil Strauss's 'The Game' would, a dumb card trick that led to some heavy pashing. Catherine, having sufficiently lowered her own thresholds for amazement, deemed herself, "the happiest girl in the world."
Back at the house with the other girls, Alana summed up the general mood: "I'm not a jealous person, but it would have been lovely if it was me."
At the solo date card reveal, we got a major twist, as "a date of pure fantasy" awaited both Laura and Rochelle. Having initially thought she'd be flying solo on this one, Laura was spitting chips. Everything annoys Laura, mind you.
THE SOLO DATE - WITH A TWIST
"The fairytale ends at midnight," the girls were warned, setting the stage for a sudden death cage match between Laura and Rochelle. I liked the idea actually as neither of them are A-graders in this competition, making an elimination final an appealing prospect.
Filing into a luxury high rise apartment together, these two newrivals looked like they wanted to throw each other out the window. Unsurprisingly Laura, "[didn't] think Rochelle is for Tim." To her minor credit, Rochelle was playing down her chances, "I'm going to be shocked if it's me that stays."
My girlfriend interjected at this point with some sage words: "Would you want to wake up and see Laura's face next to you, Tim?" It's something worth considering big fella.
After a bit of excruciating tension picking out jewelry for the formal date, Laura was getting tetchy over Rochelle's strategy: "I did feel that she was monopolizing Tim's time." There literally hasn't been a single seen in which this girl hasn't whinged. Sorry Laura, you're a downer, and downer's can only go so far in this competition.
Penny's prediction: "I feel like Laura may be the CInderella that goes home with the slippers and Rochelle might just get the pumpkin," whilst brilliantly bitchy, proved to be innacurate. After another genuinely awkward dinner, the three wheels needed to become two, so Laura and her perpetually screwed up face got sent back to Whinge-town, population: Laura. Her only banter at the dinner was an enquiry as to what herb was in the meal. "Is it rosemary or sage?" ventured Tim, trying to make her feel at ease and less like a complete struggler.
To be honest, things were getting tedious by this point and I hope this episode is just a minor blip.: "This really hasn't offered much other than Belle puking," noted my girlfriend and who was I to argue with her, especially with a a mouthfull of ziti to chew on?
"I'm not like other girls," said Rochelle, marking her out as someone who is JUST LIKE OTHER GIRLS.
"I think the person you fall in love with should almost be a person who you want to be or become." she added as the wall-to-wall bollocks and mindless cliches washed over viewers one more time.
This double date reminded me of that Wimbledon final between Richard Krajicek vs MalaVai Washington, the one with the streaker. It got halfway through and I realised I just didn't care who won. Let's be honest, Rochelle is no Sampras. She might have got some diamond earrings and a perfunctory kiss on the lips, but her claim that the date was, "the most beautiful fairytale of my life" was a big reach. Almost as big a reach as MalaVai Washington thinking he could win Wimbledon. She ain't fooling me.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
So off we went to the cocktail part, where Alana got tactical and noted, "I feel like Stacey and I are the underdogs at the moment." Her partner in crime agreed: "I think Alana and I need to step up our games."
But as Tim stole bookies favourite Anna away for a quite word and some husky conversation, Stacey immediately went back on her bold claims from earlier and engaged in some pure loser talk: "I'm not going to chase Tim tonight." Okay Stacey, but if that's your gameplan I think you better get the Samsonite all packed up tonight.
Penny was brutal in her appraisal of Stacey's methods, claiming,"She may slip away." Jesus Penny, are you planning on poisoning her or something?
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Belle admitted she felt she "wasn't even in the same race" as the other girls after her sea of spew, but I still felt like she had more game than Stacey in this episode. There's a damning indictment for you Stace; the girl who was blowing chunks for a couple of hours seems like more fun.
And so it proved to be, with only Belle and Stacey left to choose from, Tim settled on the technicolor yodeler over the largely anonymous Stacey. Amid a sea of fake concern, Alana genuinely looked a bit shattered. On her way out the door Stacey complained that Tim didn't get to know her, a rookie error that made me wonder how she even got this far.
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