I am genuinely touched that a couple of people are also such Bachelor diehards that they registered disappointment in my not having updated the blog after episode 3. Also, apologies for lumping both it and episode 4 in together. I'm going on memory for the former.
A quick note on Andrew G
Though someone had mentioned something of this 'Osher' madness to me last week I didn't have the time to fully investigate it until someone posted a link on twitter tonight. Given the bloke's surname is Gunsberg, I just made the assumption that it was his proper birth name and that he'd just adopted 'Andrew' to avoid schoolyard bullying.
Boy was I wrong. >>> Check out Osher's take on things here <<< Pretty special, right? I will admit I didn't get all the way through because my mind started to drift to the Royal Tenenbaums scene where Eli Cash has his spiritual awakening and starts smoking peyote.
Anna's Solo Date
There is a simple formula when the Bachelor production crew get together to brainstorm the solo dates: Man + Woman + Altitude = Romance.
I have no idea why this is so. I'm reasonably fearful of heights myself so can think of literally nothing worse than combining the stomach-churning nerves of a first date with a potentially lethal plunge off the edge of a cliff, but that was the scenario that Tim threw at Anna. In true Anna style she came up aces though.
She's brilliant Anna, I really hope she wins. My girlfriend and I have had literally three separate conversations about that thing she does where she gurns and screws up her face. It almost seems like an attempt to make herself look ugly but it actually just manages to look even hotter. It's genuinely extraordinary. Anyway, she effortlessly nailed the date, though not Tim, who didn't even give her a kiss. This guy is actually starting to look like a bit of a spud. That was a "kiss date" Tim, lift your game bro.
Group Date - Desert Storm
Continuing the night's theme of completely shithouse date ideas, Tim and the group date girls were sent out into some sand dunes to ride on camels and slide down hills on these stupid skiffle board things. Is that even a thing that people do? It seemed to have literally no pay-off; you had to walk up a steep hill and then try and slide down it without face-planting, flashing something that you shouldn't be flashing on a first date, or just ending up with a mouth full of sand. Salma Hayek would struggle to impress a Bachelor with that to work with.
As the team retreated to the "Kasbah" at the end of all this nonsense it soon became clear that Judy had a problem. A massive overachiever in episodes one and two, my hopes were high for her as she ducked away for some private time with Tim. What followed was an awkward, uptight and mood-killing bit of banter about Judy's life plans that would rank up there with "that time I talked to the neighbour about his mower" or "bumping into third-cousin Darren at Centro" in the annals of forgettable conversations. Poor Judy, she should have just jumped back on one of the camels and taken off.
For me the story of the group date didn't actually happen on the group date. #TeamPenny received a huge setback when the P-Dog, as my girlfriend calls her, was again left out of the mix. She was doing well not to resort to any diva behaviour at that point because she's been frozen out so far. She needed some Tim-time and let everybody know about it. I imagine she just salsa-danced alone back at the Bachelor pad. Or got her hair did I guess; I'm reliably informed that those extensions would require significant upkeep.
Rose Ceremony
Like I said, I feel sorry for loveable dork Judy, but she had to go. If years of Bachelor-viewing have taught me anything, it's that when an elongated sequence of low-quality banter is shown, you know the girl in question is getting the bullet. Having that conversation immortalised on TV must genuinely suck though; I'm sure she's not always that boring. I think things will work out fine for Judy.
Unlike her old man Tim Mathieson, Sherri just had no screen time so it was no real surprise that she departed on night three. She appeared to be a perfectly normal girl but I cannot remember one meaningful moment between her and Tim, so she was probably a bit too timid for this ruthless bunfight. Surely she always had more to lose than gain by appearing on this show?
EPISODE 4
Things kicked off in typical Bachelor fashion tonight with my girlfriend yelling, "I hate her", the minute that Bianca appeared on screen during the intro sequence. This later degenerated into a pillow over her face every time the girl came on screen. I have to admit, she does have a particularly grating voice. I'm not going to lie, a few bitchy theories were also thrown around about the believability of Bianca being a "fit model". Don't get me wrong, no-one in my house knows what that even means, but we're certain she's not actually one of them.
Tim made his entry with, "It is tough when you form connections with more than one girl," the kind of hollow and vague statement in which he seems to specialise. I have a question at this point of the series; is there a single thing about this guy that is genuinely interesting? I know it's all about the girls, but it's like he's a control-sample of the blandest possible personality against which we can judge those of the various lunatic Bachelorettes. I think he's potentially a bit of an "empty vase".
One thing I haven't covered off yet as far as long-established Bachelor traditions go is the 'unveiling of the date card.' I guess this is done on a rotation basis but it's always hilarious to note how the unveil-er can't resist the temptation to draw it out and tease the other girls. Not a single chance to do something unnecessarily bitchy is passed up on this show and that is why it is so great.
Penny continued to endear herself to the entire nation, assessing her group date prospects with minimal subtlety; "Give me an opportunity and I'll hook it in, don't worry." If these girls were football teams, I would have bought a lifetime membership for Penny in episode one; I know she'll never win but she plays in the right spirit. She's a complete goofball and I hope she eventually finds a more interesting guy than Tim.
Ali's Solo Date
Tonight's solo date card went to demonic superfreak Ali, who pulled some textbook, 'I can't believe it's for me' theatrics to the joy of no-one in the room. "My heart is racing," she gushed as Danielle pulled a face that hinted at nothing other than a revenge fantasy involving an industrial quantity of petrol. Belle bit her tongue momentarily, but then happily raked back over Ali's diabolical failed attempt at a kiss last week. NEVER LET HER FORGET IT, BELLE!
"I'm a hopeless romantic and I wear my heart on my sleeve," said Ali like a wild-eyed Hallmark robot. And her date was... well... some hot laps in a Ferrari. There's no getting around that, is there? I'm beginning to worry about this series; the calibre of the date activities is not reflecting well on Australia or playing to our strengths.
A hot lap is something you arrange for your Uncle Shane for his 50th birthday, not a romantic day out. Either way, Ali went mental for it and actually seemed to convince Tim that it was a cool thing to do, gushing, "First of all, I've never been in a Ferrari..." I can't remember the 'second of all' was because I was too mesmerized by the dangerous gravitational pull of her rapidly spinning eyeballs. If he ends up with her, he's going to wake every morning to those things trained on him like a sniper's crosshairs.
Oh and at the conclusion of her hot lap she also yelled, "Now that's speed dating!" which literally made me wince. Dad jokes were at least a new side to her personality, though one that will hardly compete with the whole 'fanatical stalker' thing. She also fake-laughs constantly as though she's papering over some kind of giant chasm in her soul with the appearance of normality.
Anyway, I'm getting bitchier than Danielle now.
We then cut to the least subtle Lamboghini product placement imaginable. On the drive away, Tim took the bull by the horns and addressed the attempted kiss, which Ali firstly denied and then more or less admitted to. Awkwardness side-stepped, she then just continued staring at him like she was going to physically eat a part of his head.
The second part of the date was basically a work-out session with some boxing gloves and a really cheesy, Ali-engineered kiss. It's the kind of thing that Ali will one day be able to tell her grand-kids about. When she's in prison. Only they won't be her grand-kids, they'll be prison guards locking her up for the night.
"I'm going to be that vulnerable girl," concluded Ali. Her main vulnerability at this point would seem to be the threat of pending restraining orders, but yeah, she's dead keen. Returning to the house, she was strategically coy about the date and drew a standard amount of death stares and smirks. "I think she would want to mark her territory on him," added 22 year old Sarah in an enlightening preview of what Tim can expect if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite stage.
The Group Date - Dodgeball / Pool Party
The group date hint was "Love is a battlefield," so I was naturally disappointed once I learned that they were not heading out to a Pat Benetaar concert. Natalie hypothesized a "Tough Mother" scenario, botching both the name and any attempt to avoid looking like a total bogan. Stacey also chipped in with some suggestions, while in my house a cry of "Who the freaking hell is Stacey?" went up. Seriously, they keep springing these randoms on us and I'm not happy about it.
Anyway, Penny finally got a guernsey on the group date and proceeded to celebrate like she'd scored the sealer in the FA Cup final. Speaking of sport, the first stop for Tim and the girls was a football ground where they were split into two teams for some Dodgeball.
Penny didn't seem perturbed by the borderline-p0rnographic outfits she and the girls were forced into for this whole debacle and totally dominated proceedings for the Blue team, raining down hell on the hapless and dainty Pink teamers with her vicious arm. Penny is probably the girl who you have to ban from your mixed netball team because she knocks her opponent over and then punches the ref for calling obstruction. Did I mention how awesome she is?
Anyway, the Blue team's prize for Penny's virtuoso demolition job was some indoor spa and pool time with Tim, in which Penny herself put in some vital groundwork, charming Tim and getting a bit handsy in the pool. Bianca's attempts at imitation of this method fell a bit flat, though she did have a red hot go at basically trying to give him a rub and tug. Even by Bachelor standards it was pretty tacky. She thought it was ace and pretty much penciled herself in for a rose.
Penny then got an early rose, proceeding to cry away all of her prior frustrations in one mass outpouring of emotion. It didn't seem even a quarter as mental as anything Ali did though, so kudos for getting away with that, Pen. My girlfriend chimed in at this point, concluding, "P-dog I love you and you deserve more than this muppet." Take that, Timmy.
Rochelle talked absolute rubbish to Tim, trying to go for the tried and true "I'm just keeping my guard up" but mangling it and just looking like a downer. I think she was aiming for deep and mysterious, but it was a howler to be honest. I'm genuinely not sure she'll recover from it.
The Rose Ceremony
The only surprise of this one as far as I'm concerned is that only one girl got the boot. If we were culling two Rochelle might have been punted, but instead Bianca had the smile wiped from her fit model face. That was after Ali had fainted, obviously. What with all that attention on other girls and Tim more than three metres away from her side, it was all too much. So was it a strategic move or a genuine medical emergency? Do we even need to have this debate?
The girl is playing for keeps and shit just got real.
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