Worth noting: there was a brilliant opening montage where Tim played a bit of piano and looked wistfully into the distance. There was no audio track on it so I'm just going to go ahead and assume he either doesn't play the piano or is horrendously bad. Looked pretty funny though, so if the producers are reading this I want to note my approval of such cheese.
GROUP DATE - "Let's live the simple life together"
So the group date got underway amid the now worn-out narrative of poor-old Penny missing out on a guernsey. I think this dramatic device has been beaten over the head enough now guys, throw her a bone. Oh hang on, she DID get invited! Ashlee was just being a bit bitchy and acted as though she wasn't. She only pulled off "playful", it was actually kind of mean given Penny's current state of fragility.
So out they head to the farm for...well...lots of farm stuff. Like most of these scenarios, it gave Tim an opportunity to act like he knew heaps about something despite clearly being a complete rube.
Alana summed up the enthusiasm of the girls when she concluded, "I'm just hoping I don't tread in shit today." It's a motto we should all live by. Penny started fantasising about seeing Timmy up on a horse or something. "Every girl wants a guy with a whip," she frothed directly at camera.
Catherine, who remains a dark horse because we just never hear much from her, wears a bright pink vest (and is at pains to point out she's deliberately worn a bright pink vest to be noticed) which just seems a bit pathetic. Catherine strikes me as the kind of person who'd change footy teams depending on the guy she dated. She'd be like Eddie Murphy's arranged wife in Coming to America ("My favourite music is whatever your favourite music is!").
Milking the cows allowed Tim and Rochelle to get their hands dirty and pretend as though the inherent sexual metaphor was no biggie. "The aim of the game today is to get involved and get dirty - so I'll take it," she snapped like a prisoner of war so deep in the throes of Stockholm Syndrome that she'd offer herself up as a suicide bomber. Please also bear in mind that the comment was made in respect to having milk squirted at her. "I'll take it"?? Dangerous precedents being set here...
Tim took Sarah off for some solo time and then did that icky thing he often does where he curls his arm around her like an awkward school formal date. And if there's anything I'm an expert on, it's awkward school formal dates. I was that guy. You have assets Tim, stop effing around with this shy boy bollocks.
Here's an alternative theory: Tim knows he is hot (this is beyond doubt, right?) so has not needed to, or had the inclination to develop any game whatsoever. He has no moves. I bet he just stands in the middle of bars and women come up to him and start pashing him with no interaction whatsoever. That kind of thing can lead to some wastage in the wooing muscles.
That matters not to Sarah, who concluded, "I could see myself marrying him, as crazy as that sounds." Embrace it Sarah, this is a crazy situation and you're not even the craziest person in this show. It's okay. Shout it from the rooftops. Make a dubstep song about it. Shave it into a fade on the side of your head. You still won't be as mental as Danielle.
Speaking of which, old Dani made her big entrance with this unsolicited gambit on Anna's prospects: "Anna was super aggressive with the animals. I mean, it really reflects how she is with men. She might catch them for a split second but then they really let loose and run for the hills." How does she even know any of this? Her crazy streams of vindictive consciousness just make her look like the saddest person in the world. What I mean by this is she is the ideal Bachelor contestant.
Anyway, Anna's "super aggressive" work with the animals won her some solo time with Tim to be redeemed at, yep, the BARN DANCE!
THE BARN DANCE
After Penny calls upon the frankly ill-advised strategy of being Mummsy at the BBQ and helping Timmy out, our Bachelor decides he wants to get to know Belle better, so they head off for a chinwag. The rest just stay behind smashing Smirnoff's and pretending they're going to eat a load of sausages. That goes for Tim too, you can probably rule out full-strength beer with this bloke and there's no way he's going near a carb. If Tim even looks at bread he has to block it out of his mind and imagine Ali lathering his abs with baby oil.
Belle just goes nuts in her solo time and pretty much rules herself out of the race when she babbles, "I am a crazy dog person but a person would be so much better." Alana sums the horrendous clangers that follow up with a cutting analysis of her gal-pal's banter: "The more Belle talks, the more she digs her own grave." I hate agreeing with Alana, but she's totally right. In summary, Belle basically talked about her dog being able to sense sexual energy and Tim looked like he was going to unleash a shock-vomit. I don't really blame him.
My expectations of barn dances are based on Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, so this part of the episode was always going to disappoint me slightly. You're never going to be having much of a barn dance with one guy in the room though, so kudos to the girls for at least giving it a crack.
Towards the end of the festivities, Tim takes Anna up to the lookout and puts his coat over her, which can only mean one thing: massive amounts of pashing and giggling. The look on Tim's face was one of relief on one hand, but on the other, that of a man with a horrendous case of blue balls. "It was like something out of a fairytale," he blurted unaware that he is THE BACHELOR, not a contestant. Reign it in dude, you're going soft on us.
SOLO DATE (Natalie)- "Love on the Rocks"
The name of this date made me think of that first album by The Darkness, and then the date itself was just as disappointing as everything that happened for The Darkness after said album. It did involve actual darkness though, which was probably a good thing given how shiny Natalie's face is. What is with that whole thing? Why do women do that? I was about to ask my girlfriend when she butted in with, "No offense I suppose, but she's quite obviously had plastic surgery and she looks like a [insult redacted because it was way harsh, but the first word started with "D" and the second one with "Q", so you join the dots]."
But anyway, what a shitty date. Rock climbing? Rock climbing is something you do on a school camp or a weird kid's birthday party when you're 13, not when you're trying to stoke the flames of romance. Lift your game, producers. Stinker.
My girlfriend had some more analysis to share at this point and it was about Timmy: "Every time he speaks I like him less and less." "A foundation has been built for their relationship? Is she whack?" I think that sums this one up.
Then we move onto the caves. Which were....caves. I dunno, what can you even say about that?
"It's just like nothing I've ever seen" said Natalie with a massive reach. "It really was quite romantic and special." No it wasn't Natalie, you are trying to fool us with positive reinforcement and it's not working
"She wouldn't know a stalactite if it fell on her," concluded my girlfriend in a moment that will bond us forever. By now the episode had deteriorated so badly that I had started to wonder whether I should place an eBay bid on a bookshelf I was after. Every bit as sexy as the time I put a full stop on an episode of The Bachelor by reading that Baudelaire poem about the slutty woman (I realise I'm not narrowing it down enough, you just had to be there I swear).
Back in the cave with Brant Webb and Todd, Natalie gets a rose and a quick peck. Bravo Natalie you massive bore.
COCKTAIL PARTY
"You just want to touch him and say hi," squealed Ali before doing exactly that , incurring many a death stare in the process. Alana tried to stage a mass steal when Ashlee got some private time with Tim. She should have kept clear though because Ashlee was handing out some pretty brutal smack talk to Tim which was funny and awesome. I wished we had have seen more of her at this point. She seems smart and normal. Ashlee, you can only be one of those things on this show, I'm afraid. Unsurprisingly, Tim was totally put off by this display of independence and honesty. Timmy wants lap dogs, not independent thinkers with self-esteem.
Alana then roped Belle in on a confrontation of Tim and they all went mental, attacking him with questions about his intentions and feelings on the two of them. ie They did it about as wrong as you can do it. Awful strategy.
Tim was flummoxed: "If you just want to have a go at me we can do that as well." Danielle broke up the tension and proposed a grammatically puzzling toast to "time is of the essence."
ROSE CEREMONY
Time certainly was of the essence, because three girls were to get the arse tonight. I smell budget cuts, just quietly.
Worried faces spread through the group of girls. Ali accepted a rose and desperately whispered "I miss you" as she lent in for a hug. Oh Ali, you're a genuine card.
But in the end, Alana, Belle and Ashlee got the chop, reinforcing the obvious point that it's strategic suicide to question the motives and intentions of The Bachelor. That'll learn the rest of them; hide those opinions or negative vibes away!
EPISODE 7
To the pleasure of no-one in my house, Danielle jagged tonight's solo date card and then proceeded to say a whole heap of nothing with an upward inflection on every sentence. It's a good thing this show is only on once per week because more than an hour of that would drive me spare
SOLO DATE - "INDULGE ALL OF YOUR SENSES"
So Emily doesn't rate Danielle in the top 5 prospects remaining and I've gotta say, if we're talking about potential wives, she's absolutely right. But as a Bachelor contestant? I'm sorry Emily, she has you covered.
Sarah concurred with Em, concluding that, "Hot n steamy isn't marriage material." Is Danielle really hot and steamy? I think she's just kind of snarky and a bit dim.
Danielle kicks proceedings off by letting a national TV audience know that, "I'm a sensual person and I like touching. It's such a big thing in terms of seducing someone." Tim seems to like it, though not quite as much as Danielle seems to think he does. They go for a ride on a sea plane before skimming into a jetty and disembarking for a fancy lunch at one of those restaurants where you need a translator for the menu even though it's clearly written in English.
"Coming from Melbourne it's all about food," purrs Danielle as I reach for the spew bucket and a pillow to cover my face at the same time. And no offence, but she doesn't seem like she eats a lot. I'm tipping I'll never see her smashing down two plates of dumplings at 2am in Supper Inn. Could be wrong, but I doubt it.
At this point we learn that Danielle's family make wine so now Tim starts up with his "Oh my dream is to make my own wine" schtick he wore out two weeks back when he said he always wanted to sail around the world. This guy is so douchey, I bet he subscribes to Cigar Aficionado magazine.
"I don't want to walk away without at least a bit of lip action," snaps Dani as we see her trying to snuggle up to Tim under a blanket. At least one of her hands is underneath it, so not sure how literally she took her own MO. She was leaning in big time and asked Tim to feel her heart. Pretty good tactic, I'll concede her that. Then they inevitably kissed but for all her scheming and supposed seduction techniques, Tim didn't seem that into it.
That mattered not once Danielle came back to the Bachelorette house for a big brag-fest, stirring up the girls with tales of passionate kissing and opulence. I think she's kidding herself.
SURPRISE BREAKFAST
There was an attempt at a nice organic moment when Tim turned up early in the morning to cook the girls breakfast, but it was honestly a bit creepy and he was only there to cop a perve while they were all walking around in their undies. "There's definitely some girls I can see myself waking up next to," he cooed. Oh Tim, you sweetheart.
I will now address the elephant(s) in the room at this point and state that Ali was definitely 'standing to attention' during this scene. It looked like she was very cold, if you know what I mean. "She probably went and pinched them," snapped my girlfriend and then we both laughed like Penny laughs when she pretends she's not hurt about missing out on a date card.
Speaking of which...
GROUP DATE - "BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE"
So off we went to the Guide Dogs home for some cuteness and a play with the puppies. The dogs, I'm talking about.
"Seeing Tim with a puppy is like seeing a really hot, unattached guy with a baby." said Emily in a rare moment of lucidity. The fact that she'd said something vaguely interesting momentarily distracted me from what a truly troubling statement it was. Just think about that; why has some random dude who has no strings got a baby with him, Emily?
Right on cue, Penny came in with some real talk: "I'll take anything at his point I'm not a needy girl, but c'mon Timmy, you can't forget about me." I think I'm finally off #TeamPenny - we've decided that she's the new Laura; whingeing is basically her entire character arc right now.
"Life's not always going to be a cocktail party" said Tim as he led the girls into the guide dog cages and there's no sugar-coating it, their first job was to clean dog shit off the ground. Rochelle summed things up nicely: "I don't really want to smell dog faeces while I'm trying to get intimate with a guy." That's pretty good dating advice, you cannot deny it.
Penny offered Tim a dog treat in a jokey way and generally laughed maniacally as Ali and Sarah gave her death stares. Penny is dead in the water at this point. Dog treats? I was on your side Penny, I wanted to barrack for the underdog. You're just killing me here.
ROSE CEREMONY
Things went pretty much to plan at this ceremony until it got down to the much-expected final two: Emily and Penny. In a strange twist, Tim goes more emo than Jared Leto's band, freaks out and walks outside. Everyone starts crying, obviously. This kind of diva behaviour is frankly unacceptable from The Bachelor. Tim, this is a high office, dude. You don't shit on the prestige and aura of this position you've been put in by acting like Molly Ringwald. Get your shit together, man.
So Molly takes Emily outside and gives her the boot in an act of supreme cowardice away from the group. Incredibly, she STILL EXPRESSES NO EMOTION!!!! I could never figure this woman out. Maybe they just edited her badly and it made her seem boring, but I can't say I was sad when she tottled off on her little robot feet and got into the robot limo back home.
Penny was going nuts by herself at this point, obviously. Her fear then turned to relief as Timmy came in with the rose hidden behind back (or wedged between his butt-cheeks, I'm not sure) and swept her off her feet for what might be the very last time. Penny needs to lift. This series is Anna's for the taking.
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