The Bachelor Australia - Episode 1&2

Just by way of brief introduction, normally I write a cricket blog >>here<< but I just felt blog posts about the Australian version of The Bachelor would put my normal readers off just a little bit (their loss, right?).

Anyway, I'm not going to launch into a long-winded justification of why The Bachelor is the only truly great reality TV show ever made, these episode recaps will hopefully provide a clear example of this indisputable fact. To set the scene, I almost always watch this show with my girlfriend because (a) it is a brilliant couples activity that justifies making horrible statements about people you don't know, and (b) she provides some genuinely brilliant insights and analysis. These recaps will be peppered with a choice selection of her pearls. 

She did have one concern about me writing this blog though; "You can't be too horrible to these girls, some of them might end up reading it." I'm not being arrogant in saying this is probably true because really, who else is stupid enough to write a blog about this show? Anyway, I'll try and be as nice as possible, bearing in mind that the parameters of this show tend to provide a platform for complete and utter mentalists. I'm normally watching this show in a food-stained tracksuit and we actually had to pause episode 1 to figure out whether my girlfriend had eaten the sticker on her nectarine, so I'm not claiming any moral high ground here. The blog is intended for the amusement of myself and hopefully others, not as a platform to tear the contestants apart.

Sooooo......

EPISODE 1

I must admit I had my reservations about The Bachelor extending the franchise to an Australian version because let's face it, this rarely ends well for any TV show. Yet the first two episodes gave a clear indicator that Australia can compete on the world stage. So much national pride right now, so happy for you guys. Anyway, let's meet the Bachelor himself....

The Bachelor

Tim "In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become the Bachelor" Robards is a 30 year old chiropractor with swarthy, smoldering looks, kind eyes and from what I could tell from the opening montage, is at least 85% torso. 

Upon seeing him run topless down the beach (a familiar trope of the US version that they just immediately nailed - hats off guys) my mind immediately wandered to exactly what type of character he would be portraying on the front of a cheap romance novel. My girlfriend ended this debate with, "definitely a pirate", and I think you'll agree that's a pretty good call. 

I was also a bit freaked out that his beach-side workout session also included the use of gymnastic rings, which he'd tied onto a conveniently low-hanging tree. Do you really want to marry a guy who has the time and inclination to devote himself to such an elaborate and unnecessary exercise regime. Can someone just get this guy a gym membership?

"I've definitely been in love before. I had my heart broken. I think when you want something so bad and it doesn't work out, it can get you down a bit." - no, that wasn't one of the contestants, that was Tim providing some background into his emotional depth and readiness to find the one. Pretty standard, soppy Bachelor fare I guess. I'm being harsh, he seems like a nice enough guy.

The scene where he went to visit his family in Newcastle was a bit unnerving because he seemed to be so willingly helping his Mum out with lunch and no-one in the family was throwing blunt objects at him or hurling insults. In this respect, it was an unfamiliar family dynamic to me. They may have a lodger locked up in the basement though, who knows? There was lots of hugging, seemingly every bit of food preparation related to removing some sausages from the packet and then cooking them before Tim perfectly timed a call of "ladies first", dishing the food out to Mum and Nan. Then they just talked amongst themselves about how much they loved each other. It was simultaneously weird and kind of sweet, in that totally staged reality TV way.

I also love how in those family lunch montages, we get a cut to uproarious laughter but never the joke or comment that led to it. No family providing this footage ever says anything controversial or blue when there are cameras around, so Tim's clan were either (a) faking it - which is understandable, or (b) actually just laugh like that all the time, which is kind of mental. No fist fights over the sauce bottle either, so like I said, foreign territory for me.

But back to Tim - lovely guy, seems pretty normal and well-adjusted, though I'm a little suss that a bloke with that kind of jawline, rig and steady income hasn't found love yet. Call me a cynic. Is it that he's a chiropractor? I know a lot of people consider them faux-doctor's and a little iffy, but as a long-time visitor to the chiro, I only have love, Tim. 

"Dating 25 women at the same time is something that is very foreign to me," explained Tim in one of the most reassuring sentences of program.

The Host

Look, you're never going to top Chris Harrison. The man is into his 25th series of the US version and is legendary for his ability to say everything and nothing at the same time. He also has my dream job. He literally gets paid millions of dollars to hand some bozo a tray full of roses, then say, "Bozo, ladies, this is the final rose" when there is only one left. 

So Andrew G had a lot to live up to in some ways but at the end of the day, if one of the producers just put on a Chris Harrison mask no-one would know or care. Andrew G cops a lot of stick online but is he really that bad? I've always found him inoffensive enough and if the first two episodes are anything to go by, he's taking a non-interventionist approach. As a Bachelor purist, that pleases me no end. He does sometimes dress a bit like Ian Thorpe though...

The Red Carpet Introduction 

Well, well, well... I will put my hand up and admit that I didn't think Australia could deliver the same calibre of crazy, kooky and amazing that the US manages, but I was wrong. Let's meet the contestants.

Anna, 26, Criminal Lawyer from Sydney

Anna seems sweet. She's hot, she has a great job and she seems pretty normal. Whilst I immediately thought she had "fantasy suite potential" (to reach the top 3, that is), the revelation that she's never had a boyfriend set my Bachelor alarm to high alert. This is not a problem in the real world, but this is the Bachelor, not the real world. Has the girl who has never had a boyfriend ever won the Bachelor? I'm calling on all of my hours of research here and I can't think of one. Danger! Danger!

Her description of herself as "the third wheel or the fifth wheel or the seventh wheel" was probably a bit calculated but I still like her and so does Andrew by the looks. He was immediately hooked on her "sexy, husky voice" and with that statement, we had a lock for a Top 10 slot. There is no doubt she's going deep in this series if you ask me. Put it this way, he was still stoked with her even when she had red lipstick smeared all over her teeth. She literally could have dipped her head into a bucket of baked beans and he's still giving her a rose. It was a genuine "moment", as they say, and she played it like an absolute pro. I'm buying some stock in Anna, she'll do well.

Nikki, 23, Coolum Beach, Pro Skateboarder

This girl seems completely lovely but age and lifestyle might not be on her side. Can't you just imagine Tim's Dad asking awkward questions about "wheelies" that send Tim into an emotional tailspin? This isn't going to happen, I'm sorry to say. 

She was so nervous on the red carpet that you just wanted to hug her. If this series does well in Australia and she's still single in 3-4 years time, can we get her on as The Bachelorette or something? Let's be honest, if she's spending her entire day at skate parks she's probably not exactly going to be meeting a diverse range of guys. Heart you Nikki but this brutal, unforgiving blood-sport is not for you. Leave it to the crazies and the backstabbers.

Alana, 29, Melbourne, flight attendant

"I have sometimes been told that I'm a bit of an air-head but that just makes me who I am. I'm fun, I'm outgoing and I guess what you see is what you get with me." What you see is ALL you get with Alana. She seems nice but she looks like she lacks any guile and guile is what Bachelor winners have, Alana. She should really play up the fact that she's a flight attendant from a fetish angle, but I'm not sure she'll have any staying power. 

Her revelation that, "I'm single because I just date dickheads," was at least honest, but sweetheart, Bachelor Tim is going to watch all of these intros, is that really the best card to be playing at this stage?

Natalie, 34, Model, Melbourne

Natalie doesn't seem to have the "model aura" that some of the "models" on the US version have and I really don't see it being the trump card it's been for others. It's been a proven winner in the past because it presents the Bachelor with a simple proposal, "Do I want to be able to tell people that I have slept with dated a model?" The answer is so often and so predictably, "HELL YEAH I DO!!!!"

Anyway, Natalie seems a bit mean-spirited and competitive, so I'm not sure how this is going to pan out for her. Also referred to herself in the third person, a fatal flaw that hints at further fatal flaws. Natalie could be a supreme peripheral player in the bitchiness though. Can't see her going too far in the competition, but she might take a few other girls down with her. In that respect, she's a perfect Bachelor contestant. Good casting, people!

Ali, 27, Real Estate Agent, Adelaide

"Love is probably the most important thing in my life. I wanna fall in love, I want to have that fairytale wedding, I want to get married and have kids." With those words, Australia was introduced it's first potential Bachelor superstar. If this was a draft, I'm taking Ali with my first round pick. 

Before she'd even stepped out of the limo her crazed eyes were affixed on Tim and the almost wedding-style white dress alerted us to the awesome possibility that she might be clinically insane. I cannot tell you how pleased I am with the producers for picking this woman. She's a maniac. Maniacs often get through to the final three but rarely win (yeah I know, Courtney got floppy Ben but that was a lucky escape for the others, that dude was a loser). Anyway, back to "I believe in love at first sight" and "it felt like I was walking down the aisle." The bit where she introduced herself in German was sad and a bit desperate, but different strokes and all that. 

Tim's compliment of her dress was met with, "it's all for you." Feminism cops some of its lustiest blows to the head in this show, but that one was a beauty. If Ali doesn't win this show, she's going to find other ways to launch herself into Tim's life, even if that means hiring a private detective and hiding across the street from his house in a white van.

Laura, 24, Customer Relations, NSW

"Laura is beautiful. Great dress, love the smile, just stunning." - Okay, it's fair to say that on looks alone (her red carpet intro was a bit jittery but she fulfilled the basic early-stages requirement of being hot so should be fine) Laura will be getting a rose. Tim looked like a pig in mud when she stepped out of the car.

Emma, 25, Events Manager, Brisbane

Emma chose a great dress for her entrance but probably underestimated the colour clash of it and the red carpet. She managed to make a joke out of it though which was a nice spontaneous moment, so just by appearing to not be a complete Fembot, she should be getting a rose. That is how you enter a Bachelor house, people.

Sarah, 22, Florist, Gold Coast

Sarah is mega-ditzy and a bit of a bogan, but she also seems genuine and fun. Going for a red sparkly dress guaranteed her some attention and Tim's face gave a loud and clear signal that this girl is getting a rose even if she ends up getting so drunk that she's drinking water out of an ornamental fountain by the end of the night. Her revelation that she wants "a big white dress, a horse and carriage, the whole works," wasn't a great moment for her, but hopefully she'll be able to hold back enough to let something genuine happen. Rein in the crazy a bit though, Sarah, looks can only get you so far on this show.

Tim's revelation that Sarah looked like "Jessica Rabbit" was a brilliant monent and immediate insight into his sexual fetishes. Maybe he's not so bland after all. I mean, if that's what he's prepared to say on national TV, maybe we should be checking his google search history for a laugh. 

Danielle, 24, Events Coordinator, Melbourne

As opening gambits go, "What makes a good boyfriend? Buying me lots of things," is not the strongest, not most original, but Tim seemed quite taken by Danielle in a physical sense at least. I have a theory that 75-80% of the roses on night one are normally won on the red carpet. You can obviously make a play after that, but you're leaving yourself an uphill climb. 

Danielle probably needs to keep her head on a swivel once she gets inside, but she's probably done enough to move through. She does a weird thing where she leaves her mouth open like a ventriloquist doll for no apparent reason, but I'm willing to look beyond that as it might just be nerves

The Others

Sorry Erin, Catherine, and the other girls whose intros weren't even properly covered, we all know that this show has some time constraints and that means you are not getting a rose. If you don't get an extended profile, you're destined to be having conversations like, "No, I really was a contestant on The Bachelor, watch the very start of the first episode, I swear."

Penny, 35, Fitness Instructor, Melbourne

First things first, Penny is crazy in a good way. Not in a "she's going to stab him if he doesn't pick her" way, in a "let's have a salsa dance during my intro and let me tell you how I haven't been on a date in four years" way. She's brilliant. I want her to go the distance because she seems funny and kinda kooky, which is great on this show. However, there is something else that I really really like about Penny, she is clearly a massive Bachelor fan herself. How do I know this?

Well, when Penny got out of the limo and said "Wow, you're a tall drink of water." a casual observer might have just seen it as a weird thing that a spinster might pre-rehearse for delivery on a reality TV show, however and true fan of the Bachelor would know that is not entirely true. That is the exact same statement made by Emily (one of the all-time great Bachelor US contestants) to Brad Womack when they first met on the red carpet. Penny has her head in the game and she's a scholar. Well played Penny, you crazy, salsa dancing genius. God speed, friend.

Oh, she also threw some jazz hands at Tim. This woman is a maniac and I am completely on her side. #TeamPenny

Emily, 30, Brand Strategist, Sydney

Emily is attractive and all that, but to lead with the dreary "are you a Sydney boy or a Melbourne boy?" banter turned me off immediately. She needs to step up to the plate with something more interesting if she's to curry any favour with Tim or the viewers. Ironically, her own brand strategy is not strong. I can't see it happening Emily, I'm sorry. You have no Unique Selling Proposition. Give us something; some salsa, a crude joke, something goddammit! I feel like you're not taking this seriously enough.

Rochelle, 27, Model, VIC

Model alert!!! Wow, Tim gave her some serious eyes and not to be crass about this, but there's the potential she'll go deep into the competition just for her Fantasy Suite X Factor. Look, you can beat around the bush, but we all know that it's a harsh reality of the show. Some lovely, intelligent women get turfed for no good reason and some sneak through to the business end on looks alone. Rochelle could be one of those and her job title will play a big part. It's shallow, but it's also true.

Belle, 29, Student Paramedic,  VIC

I'll throw this out there, if I was at death's door and only had Belle at my side to resuscitate me, I'd probably just violently gesture at my organ donor card and be done with this cruel world. Her voice alone would probably have me refusing the jaws of life. Also, she gave Tim a rose quartz then talked about Chakras and needing to find someone who was "in tune with the energy of the earth." Or, "Yerrrr hearrrrt charkraaaas," as she put it. She could be a lot of fun.

Deborah and a no-name, Occupation and location not stated

At the risk of wasting further time here, neither of these two are going through because they didn't receive a proper introduction. Fair enough in the case of the one whose name we didn't even learn, because she wrote her name on Tim's palm, which just isn't classy or funny, or just really even 'a thing'. What was she thinking? 

Deborah just seemed like a bit of a downer and an odd-ball, to be honest, but that's just a first impression. Pulling out a magic eight ball was just tragic and somehow seemed worse than the hand-writing that old mate before her went with. Pretty sure Tim wanted to direct her straight back down the red carpet and into the night, but he's not as ruthless a player of this game as me. Surgical intervention also seemed to have negated the possibility that Deborah could provide us with any facial cues to suggest she even liked Tim. She may have been frowning, or smiling, or looking quizzical; who really knows?

Bianca, 31, Fit Model, Melbourne

What is a "fit model" exactly? It sounds like a description used by one of the blokes on Geordie Shore to me. I guess it means "fitness model" or something like that, so I will be looking out for Bianca in the next Rebel Sport catalogue. She also has that really unappealing, haughty sense of entitlement and I'm not sure she'll be a good enough strategist to navigate her way through battle on this show. That slow, Hiltonesque drawl on the end of every statement is really not cute in any way, either. Maybe it's not meant to be, maybe she had a stroke, but I just don't like it. My girlfriend was hiding under a pillow within 5 seconds of this woman opening her mouth so not sure Mum's going to approve, Tim.

She also gave Tim a crappy gift, causing my girlfriend to scream, "BAD. CHOICES!!!" It was a great moment in our relationship.

Elizabeth, 33, Fashion Stylist, Gold Coast via Uganda

Elizabeth is incredible and let's be honest, broke up the aesthetic monotony of the red carpet intros. She seems sweet and had an amazing smile, but we really didn't hear enough from her to suggest that the producers know she'll be a player later on. I fear for Elizabeth; that kind of perfunctory intro sequence is never a good sign. She might last a couple of episodes but I fear that will be it.

Sherri, 28, Make-Up Artist, Gold Coast

Sherri looks a bit like Keira Knightly, but like the Hollywood starlet, we have so far had little indication that she has any distinct personality or danger to offer the show. She seems a bit too nice and normal to be on The Bachelor, to be quite honest.

UPDATE: Age columnist par excellence and man about town Jonathan Horn informs me that Sherri is Tim Mathieson's daughter. This has blown my mind, but I'm not sure whether it will have any impact on her chances.

Ashleigh, 25, Perth

Very brief intro, so see ya later Ashleigh. She kind of whinged that she'd had to "come a long way to be here," but when we found that she meant Perth and not, say, a Red Cross post in Rwanda, sympathy was a bit scare. Pretty girl, but can't see much happening for her.

Jolene, 23, Occupation Unknown, Cronulla Shire

WOW. WOW. WOW. This girl will not last more than a night on the show but that is a great shame because she genuinely is something. I mean, the platinum blonde hair paired with the terracotta glaze of fake tan and a white dress, the fact that she was so proud and forthcoming about being "a Shirey", this girl has some real X Factor. Or maybe XXX factor ("I'm a bit of a partier, like a glass of wine, like going fast"). Her face did seem to be, well, tranquilized though, didn't it? On Trista's series of the Bachelorette I thought that PED testing might be neccessary, but how about a recreational drug testing regime? I'm not sure Jolene would get through unscathed...

Also, what was with the heavy breathing? Is that part of it, or was it an attempt at being provocative and sexy? She just sounded like she was about to be let out of a bear enclosure or something. It was weird. "She was a little different to all the girls," said Tim as the entire viewing audience screamed, "No shit, dude, get rid of her STAT!"

"I'll keep my eye out for her." - yeah Tim, keep an eye on your drink as well mate.

Judy, 28, Doctor, Sydney

Judy seems lovely. She made Tim a chocolate rose which wasn't as lame as it sounds and I think he was actually taken by how dorky and genuine she was. She's quite cute, too. I really think the "Doctor" thing will go in her favour as well. She should really use that common ground to her advantage and maybe subtly undermine the intelligence levels of the other women by strategically mentioning it. Those are just my tips though Judy, play it how you see fit. It's a long haul.

She might be a bit highly strung, but she'll hang in there for a while.

The Cocktail Party

The cocktail party started in predictable fashion with Rochelle the model getting bitchy about Ali's age despite the fact that they're both actually the same age. That seemed lost on everyone in the room though. Good-time Jolene stirred the pot by suggesting that Ali was a "poor girl" for having it suggested that she looked 19. At this point my girlfriend yelled out, "Those bitches are going to eat her alive!" So far, so predictable.

Side note: only true amateurs get caught up in bitchy slanging matches before the Bachelor has even walked into the room. Ask yourself this question Ali, are you an amateur? You walked straight into that one.

There was a great moment when Penny made a really earnest, lovely statement about the whole thing being quite daunting and was met with donuts from everyone around her. Rather than act put out, she succeeded in making them all look both stupid and bitchy at the same time. Don't mess with Penny, ladies, she has some armory you don't even understand.

Andrew G came in to remind the girls that they were there for a rose (quick tip Andy, they know how this game works) and introduced Tim for his grand entrance. Ali continued to make unhinged statements about how she'd "never felt this way before," having spent precisely 45 seconds in the company of a bloke she knew virtually nothing about. Jolene added, "I don't want just one rose, I want the whole lot of them," so she either doesn't know the rules of the game or she was talking about the bottles of red wine on the table behind the camera crew.

I guess at the insistence of the producers, Tim immediately dragged Ali away for a private chat and a more lengthy insight into her very specific plans for the rest of hers and Tim's life together. She also talked about her love of kick-boxing and then instructed him to say "to fall in love" in German. Just re-read that sentence and bare in mind that she was pulling this face as he complied:

"That's why I'm here and I hope it's with you. I seriously thought we had a moment," said old Ali before adding in a private moment to camera, "I think he could be my husband. It's too early to say, obviously." Is it Ali? You did actually just say it. You're saying it with your eyes and your intense, tractor-beam scanning of the room. Chill out, lady!

Belle then gave Ali a run for her money in the superfreak stakes by talking to Tim more about "universal love" and "Chakras". Does anyone really think that this woman should be administering conventional medical services to the public? Elizabeth just kept watch at the window to make sure Tim hadn't been covered in crystal dust by this utter lunatic before Anna smartly sidled down to pull him away for private time. Good move Anna, because that also counts as a "save". Seriously, if Belle gets through this round, we can only conclude that he wants to sleep with her. Sorry Tim, but you know that it's true.

Anyway, Anna showed a propensity for ruthlessness and strategy and I rate that. The "steal" is a hard thing to pull off without looking like a complete bitch and she handled it all pretty well. Ali then labelled Jolene "scary", which is a bit like Nick Nolte calling Nicholas Cage a burnout. Alana the flight attendant made a pretty decent fist of things as well, asking Tim about his family and generally making a good impression, while also successfully blocking a "steal" from Bianca. It was a glorious moment, simultaneously strengthening her own personal brand while shitting all over Bianca's. Bianca looked helpless and lost. She's just got no game whatsoever, the poor girl.

From there on it was just a steal-fest. Well, except for Laura who adopted the risky strategy of sitting back, waiting and having a whinge while the rest of the vultures circled. If this was a nature documentary, Laura would have been eaten by a water buffalo in the first five minutes. Get in there love, have a dip! "I don't chase people and maybe that's where I go wrong," she said. Yes Laura, if you never physically approach someone, it's hard to end up dating them. She also can't pronounce "pursue" properly, which isn't great.

Laura should have been taking notes from Judy, who got whisked away by Tim for a private tete-a-tete before the Bachelor ducked off and plucked her this season's first rose. He'd already planned it before they even spoke. Well played Judy, you chocolate-making scene-stealer you! Maybe she shouldn't have burst into tears straight away, but at least it was genuine. It made Ali spit blood too, which was nice.

Twenty-two year-old Sarah negotiated the age gap between her and Tim with aplomb, chatting away before dropping a bit of a bomb, giving precise details of her ideal wedding. On the Bachelor, this can be like a suicide bombing mission that takes everyone else down with you, but Tim must like her because he totally brushed it off. Must be that Jessica Rabbitt image, I guess. Within a minute she had a rose in her hand and had Jolene making snide remarks about "back fat." That's loser talk, Jolene, and you know it.

Despite having already had good face-time with Tim, Ali took herself and her rose-less hands in for an audacious steal. It was crass, unnecessary and utterly compelling. Rochelle appraised it as "desperate" and I'm hoping for more shot-calling like that from the 27yo model. Then out of nowhere, we got the indisputable Number 1 moment of the episode when Ali lent in for a kiss and got shunned by a polite, puzzled Tim (see below). It was excruciating, it was horrifying and it is exactly the kind of moment that makes me love this show

Bianca and Danielle openly enjoyed it, the rest just pretended they didn't want to punch the air and laugh in Ali's face. It was a beautiful thing. Emily then defied my dire predictions to win an early rose and Emma from Brisbane did likewise. Ali was left to whimper "I wanna rose!" as the rest of the girls tried to scramble for time with Tim. Rochelle talked up her vegetarianism and support for animal rights which seemed to draw a bit of a blank with BBQ-loving Tim. She clearly hadn't seen the snag-fest in his intro yet.

Deborah fired a heap of intense questions about "issues with trust and honesty" at the ppor bloke and in doing so lit her chances on fire with a metaphorical flame-thrower. Really Deboarah? The magic 8-ball wasn't weird enough? You had to go all Dr Melfi in the first bloody chat with him? Get your coat and just leave already. 

As the buzzer approached, tempers started to fray a little bit. Hand-selected to duck off for a solo chat with Tim, Penny acted like a dork again and seemed totally great. Laura looked like someone had taken the jam out of her donut and Nikki was just bundle of nerves. The final cab off the rank was Jolene, who just further confirmed what an odd-ball she was, slurring and winking her way through a genuinely awkward exchange. She also basically tried to grab his dick, giving a hilarious poignancy to Tim's comment that ,"she's a hard one to get my head around." Like Deborah, her one-on-one time was a glorious disaster. Once she'd judo-chopped Judy's rose in half, she was down and out. Poor Judy, she was always the one who was going to get bullied.

In a nice modern touch, rather than looking over a montage of framed photos and looking like a weird stalker, the Bachelor had an iPad to cast one last eye over his selections. With five girls to chop on the first night, Tim probably didn't have too many concerns as there were some shockers to cull first up. Jolene, Deborah and a couple of the no-namers made swift and predictable exits, while poor Nikki was rather unfairly bundled out in straight sets. I hope she went for a skate the next day and moved on because she was brilliant. 

EPISODE 2

So onto the real business at hand; date time! Another gratuitous montage of Tim doing topless exercising at the start of the episode was only fair given the kind of objectification the women were going to be subjected to over the coming weeks

And another note, we saw 24yo Accountant Amy at the start of the episode; where the hell did she come from? Did I miss something in episode one? I doubt it... Laura did a bit more whingeing about how she wanted to be chased (wrong program, love). To the insincere cheering of all the other girls and the outright bitching of Bianca, it was 22yo Sarah who bagged the first private date.

Sarah's Date

When the limo pulled in to pick Sarah up, her insistence that she was "expecting a Maxi-Taxi or something," kind of won me over. She might be a bit of a bogan, but I think she has a self-awareness of her own ditsyness, so I'm reserving judgement for a while. Actually, her insistence that she'd been planning her wedding since she was thirteen and that she wants to have "TEN BABIES!" was an interesting tactical move. Beginning to think she's going to struggle to keep Tim's interest now.

In true Bachelor style, the first date involved a plane ride. Any true Bachelor fan would have seen Tim and Sarah sitting there in the back of that plane and immediately thought of Alex hurling all over Trista about 10 years back. What a douche he was.

I also like that the Bachlor dates set a completely unrealistic expectation of what the relationship is going to be like. I mean, cliff-top picnics and sky-diving are great, but it must be a real come-down when you finish up on the show and are faced with the prospect of using some old Village movie vouchers you got for your birthday and grabbing a pizza at La Porchetta, right?

Anyway, Sarah and Tim ended up on a beach where they rode some horses, a combination Sarah deemed "insane", rather than, say, totally cliched. Lots of allusions to "wearing the pants" and "taking the lead" flew around, a bit of hand-holding ensued when the horses were close enough and we were basically a Daryl Braithwaite musical appearance short of it being a total winner for Sarah. The rose she received as a result was effortlessly earned. In the meantime, the rest of the girls sat around speculating and torturing each other as to how much kissing had occurred between Sarah and Tim. Pretty standard.

Group Date Number 1 - The Fashion Show

After Penny again raked up the fact that she hadn't been on a date for four years, the twelve group date girls headed off to a stately mansion for a retro-themed fashion shoot. Mind you, using the words "glamorous" and "TV week" in the same sentence was a bit ridiculous, call me a snob if you will.

Bianca whinged about her dress for the entire ordeal ("I know it's in the 50s, but am I meant to look 50?"), Ali made sure her beady eyes were darting around the room at all times and Elizabeth looked stunning but unfortunately killed off her chances with some really cringeworthy banter about curries or something. Laura looked great, Danielle even better and everyone else just literally clawed each other out of the way. Bianca had her "ego boosted down" by her dress, Anna jumped in for a posed kiss and totally nailed it, but the whole fashion shoot scene was a bit of a fizzer.

The main highlight out of the whole group date was Emma and Danielle standing and bitching about Ali as the latter stood literally inches from them, making her cry and leading to further cries from Danielle that Alli is "just desperate". I hope all three of them stick around for a while, because that could get ugly in a very entertaining way. Again, judge away, we all know what we're here for. Emma also totally nailed that particular photo shoot, having Tim grab her around the waist as Ali stood in the background pretending to whip him. Ali made a partial recovery with a near-kiss, but the whole thing was mega awkward. Danielle nailed it, won a rose and looks a real contender. I guess she better just hope that Tim doesn't get slipped any footage of the imbroglio with Ali and Emma.

The Rose Ceremony

Tonight was pretty much cut-throat, but before we even got to the rose ceremony, Emma dropped a bomb and left the house, claiming her heart wasn't in it. Tim was shattered and seemed totally thrown by being the one who was being rejected, rather than dishing out the shuns himself. It was a pity, I thought Emma could have been a Final Three contender but she was clearly lacking self-confidence or felt she couldn't compete with the swirling volcanos of spite around her.

In the end, we bade farewell to Elizabeth (not a huge surprise) and Amy (even less of a surprise given I didn't even realise she'd made it through to episode 2 in the first place). So far, so predictable, but I can't wait for next week when we get to see more personalities and players come to the fore.