Worth noting: there was a brilliant opening montage where Tim played a bit of piano and looked wistfully into the distance. There was no audio track on it so I'm just going to go ahead and assume he either doesn't play the piano or is horrendously bad. Looked pretty funny though, so if the producers are reading this I want to note my approval of such cheese.
GROUP DATE - "Let's live the simple life together"
So the group date got underway amid the now worn-out narrative of poor-old Penny missing out on a guernsey. I think this dramatic device has been beaten over the head enough now guys, throw her a bone. Oh hang on, she DID get invited! Ashlee was just being a bit bitchy and acted as though she wasn't. She only pulled off "playful", it was actually kind of mean given Penny's current state of fragility.
So out they head to the farm for...well...lots of farm stuff. Like most of these scenarios, it gave Tim an opportunity to act like he knew heaps about something despite clearly being a complete rube.
Alana summed up the enthusiasm of the girls when she concluded, "I'm just hoping I don't tread in shit today." It's a motto we should all live by. Penny started fantasising about seeing Timmy up on a horse or something. "Every girl wants a guy with a whip," she frothed directly at camera.
Catherine, who remains a dark horse because we just never hear much from her, wears a bright pink vest (and is at pains to point out she's deliberately worn a bright pink vest to be noticed) which just seems a bit pathetic. Catherine strikes me as the kind of person who'd change footy teams depending on the guy she dated. She'd be like Eddie Murphy's arranged wife in Coming to America ("My favourite music is whatever your favourite music is!").
Milking the cows allowed Tim and Rochelle to get their hands dirty and pretend as though the inherent sexual metaphor was no biggie. "The aim of the game today is to get involved and get dirty - so I'll take it," she snapped like a prisoner of war so deep in the throes of Stockholm Syndrome that she'd offer herself up as a suicide bomber. Please also bear in mind that the comment was made in respect to having milk squirted at her. "I'll take it"?? Dangerous precedents being set here...
Tim took Sarah off for some solo time and then did that icky thing he often does where he curls his arm around her like an awkward school formal date. And if there's anything I'm an expert on, it's awkward school formal dates. I was that guy. You have assets Tim, stop effing around with this shy boy bollocks.
Here's an alternative theory: Tim knows he is hot (this is beyond doubt, right?) so has not needed to, or had the inclination to develop any game whatsoever. He has no moves. I bet he just stands in the middle of bars and women come up to him and start pashing him with no interaction whatsoever. That kind of thing can lead to some wastage in the wooing muscles.
That matters not to Sarah, who concluded, "I could see myself marrying him, as crazy as that sounds." Embrace it Sarah, this is a crazy situation and you're not even the craziest person in this show. It's okay. Shout it from the rooftops. Make a dubstep song about it. Shave it into a fade on the side of your head. You still won't be as mental as Danielle.
Speaking of which, old Dani made her big entrance with this unsolicited gambit on Anna's prospects: "Anna was super aggressive with the animals. I mean, it really reflects how she is with men. She might catch them for a split second but then they really let loose and run for the hills." How does she even know any of this? Her crazy streams of vindictive consciousness just make her look like the saddest person in the world. What I mean by this is she is the ideal Bachelor contestant.
Anyway, Anna's "super aggressive" work with the animals won her some solo time with Tim to be redeemed at, yep, the BARN DANCE!
THE BARN DANCE
After Penny calls upon the frankly ill-advised strategy of being Mummsy at the BBQ and helping Timmy out, our Bachelor decides he wants to get to know Belle better, so they head off for a chinwag. The rest just stay behind smashing Smirnoff's and pretending they're going to eat a load of sausages. That goes for Tim too, you can probably rule out full-strength beer with this bloke and there's no way he's going near a carb. If Tim even looks at bread he has to block it out of his mind and imagine Ali lathering his abs with baby oil.
Belle just goes nuts in her solo time and pretty much rules herself out of the race when she babbles, "I am a crazy dog person but a person would be so much better." Alana sums the horrendous clangers that follow up with a cutting analysis of her gal-pal's banter: "The more Belle talks, the more she digs her own grave." I hate agreeing with Alana, but she's totally right. In summary, Belle basically talked about her dog being able to sense sexual energy and Tim looked like he was going to unleash a shock-vomit. I don't really blame him.
My expectations of barn dances are based on Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, so this part of the episode was always going to disappoint me slightly. You're never going to be having much of a barn dance with one guy in the room though, so kudos to the girls for at least giving it a crack.
Towards the end of the festivities, Tim takes Anna up to the lookout and puts his coat over her, which can only mean one thing: massive amounts of pashing and giggling. The look on Tim's face was one of relief on one hand, but on the other, that of a man with a horrendous case of blue balls. "It was like something out of a fairytale," he blurted unaware that he is THE BACHELOR, not a contestant. Reign it in dude, you're going soft on us.
SOLO DATE (Natalie)- "Love on the Rocks"
The name of this date made me think of that first album by The Darkness, and then the date itself was just as disappointing as everything that happened for The Darkness after said album. It did involve actual darkness though, which was probably a good thing given how shiny Natalie's face is. What is with that whole thing? Why do women do that? I was about to ask my girlfriend when she butted in with, "No offense I suppose, but she's quite obviously had plastic surgery and she looks like a [insult redacted because it was way harsh, but the first word started with "D" and the second one with "Q", so you join the dots]."
But anyway, what a shitty date. Rock climbing? Rock climbing is something you do on a school camp or a weird kid's birthday party when you're 13, not when you're trying to stoke the flames of romance. Lift your game, producers. Stinker.
My girlfriend had some more analysis to share at this point and it was about Timmy: "Every time he speaks I like him less and less." "A foundation has been built for their relationship? Is she whack?" I think that sums this one up.
Then we move onto the caves. Which were....caves. I dunno, what can you even say about that?
"It's just like nothing I've ever seen" said Natalie with a massive reach. "It really was quite romantic and special." No it wasn't Natalie, you are trying to fool us with positive reinforcement and it's not working
"She wouldn't know a stalactite if it fell on her," concluded my girlfriend in a moment that will bond us forever. By now the episode had deteriorated so badly that I had started to wonder whether I should place an eBay bid on a bookshelf I was after. Every bit as sexy as the time I put a full stop on an episode of The Bachelor by reading that Baudelaire poem about the slutty woman (I realise I'm not narrowing it down enough, you just had to be there I swear).
Back in the cave with Brant Webb and Todd, Natalie gets a rose and a quick peck. Bravo Natalie you massive bore.
COCKTAIL PARTY
"You just want to touch him and say hi," squealed Ali before doing exactly that , incurring many a death stare in the process. Alana tried to stage a mass steal when Ashlee got some private time with Tim. She should have kept clear though because Ashlee was handing out some pretty brutal smack talk to Tim which was funny and awesome. I wished we had have seen more of her at this point. She seems smart and normal. Ashlee, you can only be one of those things on this show, I'm afraid. Unsurprisingly, Tim was totally put off by this display of independence and honesty. Timmy wants lap dogs, not independent thinkers with self-esteem.
Alana then roped Belle in on a confrontation of Tim and they all went mental, attacking him with questions about his intentions and feelings on the two of them. ie They did it about as wrong as you can do it. Awful strategy.
Tim was flummoxed: "If you just want to have a go at me we can do that as well." Danielle broke up the tension and proposed a grammatically puzzling toast to "time is of the essence."
ROSE CEREMONY
Time certainly was of the essence, because three girls were to get the arse tonight. I smell budget cuts, just quietly.
Worried faces spread through the group of girls. Ali accepted a rose and desperately whispered "I miss you" as she lent in for a hug. Oh Ali, you're a genuine card.
But in the end, Alana, Belle and Ashlee got the chop, reinforcing the obvious point that it's strategic suicide to question the motives and intentions of The Bachelor. That'll learn the rest of them; hide those opinions or negative vibes away!
EPISODE 7
To the pleasure of no-one in my house, Danielle jagged tonight's solo date card and then proceeded to say a whole heap of nothing with an upward inflection on every sentence. It's a good thing this show is only on once per week because more than an hour of that would drive me spare
SOLO DATE - "INDULGE ALL OF YOUR SENSES"
So Emily doesn't rate Danielle in the top 5 prospects remaining and I've gotta say, if we're talking about potential wives, she's absolutely right. But as a Bachelor contestant? I'm sorry Emily, she has you covered.
Sarah concurred with Em, concluding that, "Hot n steamy isn't marriage material." Is Danielle really hot and steamy? I think she's just kind of snarky and a bit dim.
Danielle kicks proceedings off by letting a national TV audience know that, "I'm a sensual person and I like touching. It's such a big thing in terms of seducing someone." Tim seems to like it, though not quite as much as Danielle seems to think he does. They go for a ride on a sea plane before skimming into a jetty and disembarking for a fancy lunch at one of those restaurants where you need a translator for the menu even though it's clearly written in English.
"Coming from Melbourne it's all about food," purrs Danielle as I reach for the spew bucket and a pillow to cover my face at the same time. And no offence, but she doesn't seem like she eats a lot. I'm tipping I'll never see her smashing down two plates of dumplings at 2am in Supper Inn. Could be wrong, but I doubt it.
At this point we learn that Danielle's family make wine so now Tim starts up with his "Oh my dream is to make my own wine" schtick he wore out two weeks back when he said he always wanted to sail around the world. This guy is so douchey, I bet he subscribes to Cigar Aficionado magazine.
"I don't want to walk away without at least a bit of lip action," snaps Dani as we see her trying to snuggle up to Tim under a blanket. At least one of her hands is underneath it, so not sure how literally she took her own MO. She was leaning in big time and asked Tim to feel her heart. Pretty good tactic, I'll concede her that. Then they inevitably kissed but for all her scheming and supposed seduction techniques, Tim didn't seem that into it.
That mattered not once Danielle came back to the Bachelorette house for a big brag-fest, stirring up the girls with tales of passionate kissing and opulence. I think she's kidding herself.
SURPRISE BREAKFAST
There was an attempt at a nice organic moment when Tim turned up early in the morning to cook the girls breakfast, but it was honestly a bit creepy and he was only there to cop a perve while they were all walking around in their undies. "There's definitely some girls I can see myself waking up next to," he cooed. Oh Tim, you sweetheart.
I will now address the elephant(s) in the room at this point and state that Ali was definitely 'standing to attention' during this scene. It looked like she was very cold, if you know what I mean. "She probably went and pinched them," snapped my girlfriend and then we both laughed like Penny laughs when she pretends she's not hurt about missing out on a date card.
Speaking of which...
GROUP DATE - "BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE"
So off we went to the Guide Dogs home for some cuteness and a play with the puppies. The dogs, I'm talking about.
"Seeing Tim with a puppy is like seeing a really hot, unattached guy with a baby." said Emily in a rare moment of lucidity. The fact that she'd said something vaguely interesting momentarily distracted me from what a truly troubling statement it was. Just think about that; why has some random dude who has no strings got a baby with him, Emily?
Right on cue, Penny came in with some real talk: "I'll take anything at his point I'm not a needy girl, but c'mon Timmy, you can't forget about me." I think I'm finally off #TeamPenny - we've decided that she's the new Laura; whingeing is basically her entire character arc right now.
"Life's not always going to be a cocktail party" said Tim as he led the girls into the guide dog cages and there's no sugar-coating it, their first job was to clean dog shit off the ground. Rochelle summed things up nicely: "I don't really want to smell dog faeces while I'm trying to get intimate with a guy." That's pretty good dating advice, you cannot deny it.
Penny offered Tim a dog treat in a jokey way and generally laughed maniacally as Ali and Sarah gave her death stares. Penny is dead in the water at this point. Dog treats? I was on your side Penny, I wanted to barrack for the underdog. You're just killing me here.
ROSE CEREMONY
Things went pretty much to plan at this ceremony until it got down to the much-expected final two: Emily and Penny. In a strange twist, Tim goes more emo than Jared Leto's band, freaks out and walks outside. Everyone starts crying, obviously. This kind of diva behaviour is frankly unacceptable from The Bachelor. Tim, this is a high office, dude. You don't shit on the prestige and aura of this position you've been put in by acting like Molly Ringwald. Get your shit together, man.
So Molly takes Emily outside and gives her the boot in an act of supreme cowardice away from the group. Incredibly, she STILL EXPRESSES NO EMOTION!!!! I could never figure this woman out. Maybe they just edited her badly and it made her seem boring, but I can't say I was sad when she tottled off on her little robot feet and got into the robot limo back home.
Penny was going nuts by herself at this point, obviously. Her fear then turned to relief as Timmy came in with the rose hidden behind back (or wedged between his butt-cheeks, I'm not sure) and swept her off her feet for what might be the very last time. Penny needs to lift. This series is Anna's for the taking.
Firstly, is it just me or was this a really weak episode? I hate to say it, but with the departure of Bianca and Ali having a quiet night by her usual standards, this one was a little bit of a fizzer. Things kicked off with Alana revealing the group date card with the hint, "Love for sail, Tim". Sarah was confused at first, before inquiring, "Are we auctioning Tim off to a bunch of cougars in a room or something?" I'm starting to like Sarah, life would be a bit boring in the Bachelorette pad without her. As the roster for the group date was revealed, Danielle took the opportunity to gloat, "I've been on every group date!" She has a real talent for making any statement sound unnecessarily bitchy and this was no exception, drawing stink eyes from all directions. Penny summed up the mood of the group towards Danielle, adding "You're a beautiful girl, where's the beauty in here?" while pointing to her heart. Come on Penny, you're better than that. GROUP DATE - "LOVE FOR SAIL" The group date ladies headed down to the docks to get on, as Ron Burgandy would say, an old old wooden boat. Their panned mission to go sailing though the heads to Sydney Harbour always looked like it had the potential for sea-sickness casualties and so it would come to pass. Sarah got unimaginative ("He can be my Captain Jack Sparrow") while Danielle chimed in with one of her patented sleazy Dad jokes, winking away as she growled, "He can row my boat any day!" As has often the case, she wasn't done there and added, "If they all walked the plank and fell off and floated away that'd be alright by me". At that point I genuinely hoped that she was about to contract scurvy or got shot out of a cannon. Right on cue, Tim revealed that he has an ambition to go away on a sailing trip with his eventual wife, further marking him out as a bloke I probably have nothing in common with. What bands do you reckon Tim's into? I reckon he's one of those guys that says, "I'm into a bit of everything really, I'll give it all a go," but only actually has 7 CDs, and 5 of them are Coldplay and Jack Johnson albums. Sarah got Tim to help her steer the boat and snuggled in for some cuddles as all of the other girls stood staring at her. So yeah, just the usual date stuff you or I would go in for. Belle got the much less romantic job of climbing up the mast with Tim, which seemed more of a punishment than anything. Once she got up there, she later admitted, "I wasn't feeling chemistry as my predominate emotion it was definitely more terror." It was no great surprise when she unleashed a loud chunder from up on high, no doubt sending the other girls scattering to either end of the deck to avoid the vomitous mist. Once returned to the relatively stable ground of the deck, Belle had a lie down before resuming her spewfest, a back rub of support from Tim being no consolation for the fact that she DEFINITELY wasn't going to be doing any smooching. Poor Belle, I know I made fun of the "universal love" and the "chakras", but I'm actually starting to warm to her. But for now, she could only manage a warm regurgitation herself. Danielle was somehow jealous of the attention and pity afforded to Belle and didn't want to rule out forcing up some vom herself. Way to play it cool, Danielle. Could you be any more yuck if you tried? All the girls bar the convalescing Belle then took turns swinging off a rope and into the freezing water before Tim liked enough of what he'd seen of Catherine in a bikini and spirited her away for a solo date, sending the rest of the girls packing, no doubt leaving the window open a bit for Belle on the way home. So back Tim and Catherine trudged to the Bachelor pad where this odd, insincere woman continued to ooze a kind of vaguely unpleasant medley of head-bobbing fake laughs, conversational inanities and, well, not much else at all. None of this bothered Tim though as he seems to think she's pretty hot. Catherine's self-proclaimed cheeky streak came to the surface when she repeatedly licked food off Tim's finger. Timmy was so sauced by this point that he was lapping it up, reeling off some utter bollocks about getting a recipe for the "jus" they'd just chowed down on off a monk. You had to be there to understand. Unfortunately, we were there. Belying the fact that he has a completely captive array of woman competing for his attention, our Bachelor then pulled a move a hell of a lot like one of those creeps who has read Neil Strauss's 'The Game' would, a dumb card trick that led to some heavy pashing. Catherine, having sufficiently lowered her own thresholds for amazement, deemed herself, "the happiest girl in the world." Back at the house with the other girls, Alana summed up the general mood: "I'm not a jealous person, but it would have been lovely if it was me." At the solo date card reveal, we got a major twist, as "a date of pure fantasy" awaited both Laura and Rochelle. Having initially thought she'd be flying solo on this one, Laura was spitting chips. Everything annoys Laura, mind you. THE SOLO DATE - WITH A TWIST "The fairytale ends at midnight," the girls were warned, setting the stage for a sudden death cage match between Laura and Rochelle. I liked the idea actually as neither of them are A-graders in this competition, making an elimination final an appealing prospect. Filing into a luxury high rise apartment together, these two newrivals looked like they wanted to throw each other out the window. Unsurprisingly Laura, "[didn't] think Rochelle is for Tim." To her minor credit, Rochelle was playing down her chances, "I'm going to be shocked if it's me that stays." My girlfriend interjected at this point with some sage words: "Would you want to wake up and see Laura's face next to you, Tim?" It's something worth considering big fella. After a bit of excruciating tension picking out jewelry for the formal date, Laura was getting tetchy over Rochelle's strategy: "I did feel that she was monopolizing Tim's time." There literally hasn't been a single seen in which this girl hasn't whinged. Sorry Laura, you're a downer, and downer's can only go so far in this competition. Penny's prediction: "I feel like Laura may be the CInderella that goes home with the slippers and Rochelle might just get the pumpkin," whilst brilliantly bitchy, proved to be innacurate. After another genuinely awkward dinner, the three wheels needed to become two, so Laura and her perpetually screwed up face got sent back to Whinge-town, population: Laura. Her only banter at the dinner was an enquiry as to what herb was in the meal. "Is it rosemary or sage?" ventured Tim, trying to make her feel at ease and less like a complete struggler. To be honest, things were getting tedious by this point and I hope this episode is just a minor blip.: "This really hasn't offered much other than Belle puking," noted my girlfriend and who was I to argue with her, especially with a a mouthfull of ziti to chew on? "I'm not like other girls," said Rochelle, marking her out as someone who is JUST LIKE OTHER GIRLS. "I think the person you fall in love with should almost be a person who you want to be or become." she added as the wall-to-wall bollocks and mindless cliches washed over viewers one more time. This double date reminded me of that Wimbledon final between Richard Krajicek vs MalaVai Washington, the one with the streaker. It got halfway through and I realised I just didn't care who won. Let's be honest, Rochelle is no Sampras. She might have got some diamond earrings and a perfunctory kiss on the lips, but her claim that the date was, "the most beautiful fairytale of my life" was a big reach. Almost as big a reach as MalaVai Washington thinking he could win Wimbledon. She ain't fooling me. THE COCKTAIL PARTY So off we went to the cocktail part, where Alana got tactical and noted, "I feel like Stacey and I are the underdogs at the moment." Her partner in crime agreed: "I think Alana and I need to step up our games." But as Tim stole bookies favourite Anna away for a quite word and some husky conversation, Stacey immediately went back on her bold claims from earlier and engaged in some pure loser talk: "I'm not going to chase Tim tonight." Okay Stacey, but if that's your gameplan I think you better get the Samsonite all packed up tonight. Penny was brutal in her appraisal of Stacey's methods, claiming,"She may slip away." Jesus Penny, are you planning on poisoning her or something? THE ROSE CEREMONY Belle admitted she felt she "wasn't even in the same race" as the other girls after her sea of spew, but I still felt like she had more game than Stacey in this episode. There's a damning indictment for you Stace; the girl who was blowing chunks for a couple of hours seems like more fun. And so it proved to be, with only Belle and Stacey left to choose from, Tim settled on the technicolor yodeler over the largely anonymous Stacey. Amid a sea of fake concern, Alana genuinely looked a bit shattered. On her way out the door Stacey complained that Tim didn't get to know her, a rookie error that made me wonder how she even got this far.
I am genuinely touched that a couple of people are also such Bachelor diehards that they registered disappointment in my not having updated the blog after episode 3. Also, apologies for lumping both it and episode 4 in together. I'm going on memory for the former.
A quick note on Andrew G
Though someone had mentioned something of this 'Osher' madness to me last week I didn't have the time to fully investigate it until someone posted a link on twitter tonight. Given the bloke's surname is Gunsberg, I just made the assumption that it was his proper birth name and that he'd just adopted 'Andrew' to avoid schoolyard bullying.
Boy was I wrong. >>> Check out Osher's take on things here <<< Pretty special, right? I will admit I didn't get all the way through because my mind started to drift to the Royal Tenenbaums scene where Eli Cash has his spiritual awakening and starts smoking peyote.
Anna's Solo Date
There is a simple formula when the Bachelor production crew get together to brainstorm the solo dates: Man + Woman + Altitude = Romance.
I have no idea why this is so. I'm reasonably fearful of heights myself so can think of literally nothing worse than combining the stomach-churning nerves of a first date with a potentially lethal plunge off the edge of a cliff, but that was the scenario that Tim threw at Anna. In true Anna style she came up aces though.
She's brilliant Anna, I really hope she wins. My girlfriend and I have had literally three separate conversations about that thing she does where she gurns and screws up her face. It almost seems like an attempt to make herself look ugly but it actually just manages to look even hotter. It's genuinely extraordinary. Anyway, she effortlessly nailed the date, though not Tim, who didn't even give her a kiss. This guy is actually starting to look like a bit of a spud. That was a "kiss date" Tim, lift your game bro.
Group Date - Desert Storm
Continuing the night's theme of completely shithouse date ideas, Tim and the group date girls were sent out into some sand dunes to ride on camels and slide down hills on these stupid skiffle board things. Is that even a thing that people do? It seemed to have literally no pay-off; you had to walk up a steep hill and then try and slide down it without face-planting, flashing something that you shouldn't be flashing on a first date, or just ending up with a mouth full of sand. Salma Hayek would struggle to impress a Bachelor with that to work with.
As the team retreated to the "Kasbah" at the end of all this nonsense it soon became clear that Judy had a problem. A massive overachiever in episodes one and two, my hopes were high for her as she ducked away for some private time with Tim. What followed was an awkward, uptight and mood-killing bit of banter about Judy's life plans that would rank up there with "that time I talked to the neighbour about his mower" or "bumping into third-cousin Darren at Centro" in the annals of forgettable conversations. Poor Judy, she should have just jumped back on one of the camels and taken off.
For me the story of the group date didn't actually happen on the group date. #TeamPenny received a huge setback when the P-Dog, as my girlfriend calls her, was again left out of the mix. She was doing well not to resort to any diva behaviour at that point because she's been frozen out so far. She needed some Tim-time and let everybody know about it. I imagine she just salsa-danced alone back at the Bachelor pad. Or got her hair did I guess; I'm reliably informed that those extensions would require significant upkeep.
Rose Ceremony
Like I said, I feel sorry for loveable dork Judy, but she had to go. If years of Bachelor-viewing have taught me anything, it's that when an elongated sequence of low-quality banter is shown, you know the girl in question is getting the bullet. Having that conversation immortalised on TV must genuinely suck though; I'm sure she's not always that boring. I think things will work out fine for Judy.
Unlike her old man Tim Mathieson, Sherri just had no screen time so it was no real surprise that she departed on night three. She appeared to be a perfectly normal girl but I cannot remember one meaningful moment between her and Tim, so she was probably a bit too timid for this ruthless bunfight. Surely she always had more to lose than gain by appearing on this show?
EPISODE 4
Things kicked off in typical Bachelor fashion tonight with my girlfriend yelling, "I hate her", the minute that Bianca appeared on screen during the intro sequence. This later degenerated into a pillow over her face every time the girl came on screen. I have to admit, she does have a particularly grating voice. I'm not going to lie, a few bitchy theories were also thrown around about the believability of Bianca being a "fit model". Don't get me wrong, no-one in my house knows what that even means, but we're certain she's not actually one of them.
Tim made his entry with, "It is tough when you form connections with more than one girl," the kind of hollow and vague statement in which he seems to specialise. I have a question at this point of the series; is there a single thing about this guy that is genuinely interesting? I know it's all about the girls, but it's like he's a control-sample of the blandest possible personality against which we can judge those of the various lunatic Bachelorettes. I think he's potentially a bit of an "empty vase".
One thing I haven't covered off yet as far as long-established Bachelor traditions go is the 'unveiling of the date card.' I guess this is done on a rotation basis but it's always hilarious to note how the unveil-er can't resist the temptation to draw it out and tease the other girls. Not a single chance to do something unnecessarily bitchy is passed up on this show and that is why it is so great.
Penny continued to endear herself to the entire nation, assessing her group date prospects with minimal subtlety; "Give me an opportunity and I'll hook it in, don't worry." If these girls were football teams, I would have bought a lifetime membership for Penny in episode one; I know she'll never win but she plays in the right spirit. She's a complete goofball and I hope she eventually finds a more interesting guy than Tim.
Ali's Solo Date
Tonight's solo date card went to demonic superfreak Ali, who pulled some textbook, 'I can't believe it's for me' theatrics to the joy of no-one in the room. "My heart is racing," she gushed as Danielle pulled a face that hinted at nothing other than a revenge fantasy involving an industrial quantity of petrol. Belle bit her tongue momentarily, but then happily raked back over Ali's diabolical failed attempt at a kiss last week. NEVER LET HER FORGET IT, BELLE!
"I'm a hopeless romantic and I wear my heart on my sleeve," said Ali like a wild-eyed Hallmark robot. And her date was... well... some hot laps in a Ferrari. There's no getting around that, is there? I'm beginning to worry about this series; the calibre of the date activities is not reflecting well on Australia or playing to our strengths.
A hot lap is something you arrange for your Uncle Shane for his 50th birthday, not a romantic day out. Either way, Ali went mental for it and actually seemed to convince Tim that it was a cool thing to do, gushing, "First of all, I've never been in a Ferrari..." I can't remember the 'second of all' was because I was too mesmerized by the dangerous gravitational pull of her rapidly spinning eyeballs. If he ends up with her, he's going to wake every morning to those things trained on him like a sniper's crosshairs.
Oh and at the conclusion of her hot lap she also yelled, "Now that's speed dating!" which literally made me wince. Dad jokes were at least a new side to her personality, though one that will hardly compete with the whole 'fanatical stalker' thing. She also fake-laughs constantly as though she's papering over some kind of giant chasm in her soul with the appearance of normality.
Anyway, I'm getting bitchier than Danielle now.
We then cut to the least subtle Lamboghini product placement imaginable. On the drive away, Tim took the bull by the horns and addressed the attempted kiss, which Ali firstly denied and then more or less admitted to. Awkwardness side-stepped, she then just continued staring at him like she was going to physically eat a part of his head.
The second part of the date was basically a work-out session with some boxing gloves and a really cheesy, Ali-engineered kiss. It's the kind of thing that Ali will one day be able to tell her grand-kids about. When she's in prison. Only they won't be her grand-kids, they'll be prison guards locking her up for the night.
"I'm going to be that vulnerable girl," concluded Ali. Her main vulnerability at this point would seem to be the threat of pending restraining orders, but yeah, she's dead keen. Returning to the house, she was strategically coy about the date and drew a standard amount of death stares and smirks. "I think she would want to mark her territory on him," added 22 year old Sarah in an enlightening preview of what Tim can expect if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite stage.
The Group Date - Dodgeball / Pool Party
The group date hint was "Love is a battlefield," so I was naturally disappointed once I learned that they were not heading out to a Pat Benetaar concert. Natalie hypothesized a "Tough Mother" scenario, botching both the name and any attempt to avoid looking like a total bogan. Stacey also chipped in with some suggestions, while in my house a cry of "Who the freaking hell is Stacey?" went up. Seriously, they keep springing these randoms on us and I'm not happy about it.
Anyway, Penny finally got a guernsey on the group date and proceeded to celebrate like she'd scored the sealer in the FA Cup final. Speaking of sport, the first stop for Tim and the girls was a football ground where they were split into two teams for some Dodgeball.
Penny didn't seem perturbed by the borderline-p0rnographic outfits she and the girls were forced into for this whole debacle and totally dominated proceedings for the Blue team, raining down hell on the hapless and dainty Pink teamers with her vicious arm. Penny is probably the girl who you have to ban from your mixed netball team because she knocks her opponent over and then punches the ref for calling obstruction. Did I mention how awesome she is?
Anyway, the Blue team's prize for Penny's virtuoso demolition job was some indoor spa and pool time with Tim, in which Penny herself put in some vital groundwork, charming Tim and getting a bit handsy in the pool. Bianca's attempts at imitation of this method fell a bit flat, though she did have a red hot go at basically trying to give him a rub and tug. Even by Bachelor standards it was pretty tacky. She thought it was ace and pretty much penciled herself in for a rose.
Penny then got an early rose, proceeding to cry away all of her prior frustrations in one mass outpouring of emotion. It didn't seem even a quarter as mental as anything Ali did though, so kudos for getting away with that, Pen. My girlfriend chimed in at this point, concluding, "P-dog I love you and you deserve more than this muppet." Take that, Timmy.
Rochelle talked absolute rubbish to Tim, trying to go for the tried and true "I'm just keeping my guard up" but mangling it and just looking like a downer. I think she was aiming for deep and mysterious, but it was a howler to be honest. I'm genuinely not sure she'll recover from it.
The Rose Ceremony
The only surprise of this one as far as I'm concerned is that only one girl got the boot. If we were culling two Rochelle might have been punted, but instead Bianca had the smile wiped from her fit model face. That was after Ali had fainted, obviously. What with all that attention on other girls and Tim more than three metres away from her side, it was all too much. So was it a strategic move or a genuine medical emergency? Do we even need to have this debate?
The girl is playing for keeps and shit just got real.
Just by way of brief introduction, normally I write a cricket blog >>here<< but I just felt blog posts about the Australian version of The Bachelor would put my normal readers off just a little bit (their loss, right?).
Anyway, I'm not going to launch into a long-winded justification of why The Bachelor is the only truly great reality TV show ever made, these episode recaps will hopefully provide a clear example of this indisputable fact. To set the scene, I almost always watch this show with my girlfriend because (a) it is a brilliant couples activity that justifies making horrible statements about people you don't know, and (b) she provides some genuinely brilliant insights and analysis. These recaps will be peppered with a choice selection of her pearls.
She did have one concern about me writing this blog though; "You can't be too horrible to these girls, some of them might end up reading it." I'm not being arrogant in saying this is probably true because really, who else is stupid enough to write a blog about this show? Anyway, I'll try and be as nice as possible, bearing in mind that the parameters of this show tend to provide a platform for complete and utter mentalists. I'm normally watching this show in a food-stained tracksuit and we actually had to pause episode 1 to figure out whether my girlfriend had eaten the sticker on her nectarine, so I'm not claiming any moral high ground here. The blog is intended for the amusement of myself and hopefully others, not as a platform to tear the contestants apart.
Sooooo......
EPISODE 1
I must admit I had my reservations about The Bachelor extending the franchise to an Australian version because let's face it, this rarely ends well for any TV show. Yet the first two episodes gave a clear indicator that Australia can compete on the world stage. So much national pride right now, so happy for you guys. Anyway, let's meet the Bachelor himself....
The Bachelor
Tim "In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd become the Bachelor" Robards is a 30 year old chiropractor with swarthy, smoldering looks, kind eyes and from what I could tell from the opening montage, is at least 85% torso.
Upon seeing him run topless down the beach (a familiar trope of the US version that they just immediately nailed - hats off guys) my mind immediately wandered to exactly what type of character he would be portraying on the front of a cheap romance novel. My girlfriend ended this debate with, "definitely a pirate", and I think you'll agree that's a pretty good call.
I was also a bit freaked out that his beach-side workout session also included the use of gymnastic rings, which he'd tied onto a conveniently low-hanging tree. Do you really want to marry a guy who has the time and inclination to devote himself to such an elaborate and unnecessary exercise regime. Can someone just get this guy a gym membership?
"I've definitely been in love before. I had my heart broken. I think when you want something so bad and it doesn't work out, it can get you down a bit." - no, that wasn't one of the contestants, that was Tim providing some background into his emotional depth and readiness to find the one. Pretty standard, soppy Bachelor fare I guess. I'm being harsh, he seems like a nice enough guy.
The scene where he went to visit his family in Newcastle was a bit unnerving because he seemed to be so willingly helping his Mum out with lunch and no-one in the family was throwing blunt objects at him or hurling insults. In this respect, it was an unfamiliar family dynamic to me. They may have a lodger locked up in the basement though, who knows? There was lots of hugging, seemingly every bit of food preparation related to removing some sausages from the packet and then cooking them before Tim perfectly timed a call of "ladies first", dishing the food out to Mum and Nan. Then they just talked amongst themselves about how much they loved each other. It was simultaneously weird and kind of sweet, in that totally staged reality TV way.
I also love how in those family lunch montages, we get a cut to uproarious laughter but never the joke or comment that led to it. No family providing this footage ever says anything controversial or blue when there are cameras around, so Tim's clan were either (a) faking it - which is understandable, or (b) actually just laugh like that all the time, which is kind of mental. No fist fights over the sauce bottle either, so like I said, foreign territory for me.
But back to Tim - lovely guy, seems pretty normal and well-adjusted, though I'm a little suss that a bloke with that kind of jawline, rig and steady income hasn't found love yet. Call me a cynic. Is it that he's a chiropractor? I know a lot of people consider them faux-doctor's and a little iffy, but as a long-time visitor to the chiro, I only have love, Tim.
"Dating 25 women at the same time is something that is very foreign to me," explained Tim in one of the most reassuring sentences of program.
The Host
Look, you're never going to top Chris Harrison. The man is into his 25th series of the US version and is legendary for his ability to say everything and nothing at the same time. He also has my dream job. He literally gets paid millions of dollars to hand some bozo a tray full of roses, then say, "Bozo, ladies, this is the final rose" when there is only one left.
So Andrew G had a lot to live up to in some ways but at the end of the day, if one of the producers just put on a Chris Harrison mask no-one would know or care. Andrew G cops a lot of stick online but is he really that bad? I've always found him inoffensive enough and if the first two episodes are anything to go by, he's taking a non-interventionist approach. As a Bachelor purist, that pleases me no end. He does sometimes dress a bit like Ian Thorpe though...
The Red Carpet Introduction
Well, well, well... I will put my hand up and admit that I didn't think Australia could deliver the same calibre of crazy, kooky and amazing that the US manages, but I was wrong. Let's meet the contestants.
Anna, 26, Criminal Lawyer from Sydney
Anna seems sweet. She's hot, she has a great job and she seems pretty normal. Whilst I immediately thought she had "fantasy suite potential" (to reach the top 3, that is), the revelation that she's never had a boyfriend set my Bachelor alarm to high alert. This is not a problem in the real world, but this is the Bachelor, not the real world. Has the girl who has never had a boyfriend ever won the Bachelor? I'm calling on all of my hours of research here and I can't think of one. Danger! Danger!
Her description of herself as "the third wheel or the fifth wheel or the seventh wheel" was probably a bit calculated but I still like her and so does Andrew by the looks. He was immediately hooked on her "sexy, husky voice" and with that statement, we had a lock for a Top 10 slot. There is no doubt she's going deep in this series if you ask me. Put it this way, he was still stoked with her even when she had red lipstick smeared all over her teeth. She literally could have dipped her head into a bucket of baked beans and he's still giving her a rose. It was a genuine "moment", as they say, and she played it like an absolute pro. I'm buying some stock in Anna, she'll do well.
Nikki, 23, Coolum Beach, Pro Skateboarder
This girl seems completely lovely but age and lifestyle might not be on her side. Can't you just imagine Tim's Dad asking awkward questions about "wheelies" that send Tim into an emotional tailspin? This isn't going to happen, I'm sorry to say.
She was so nervous on the red carpet that you just wanted to hug her. If this series does well in Australia and she's still single in 3-4 years time, can we get her on as The Bachelorette or something? Let's be honest, if she's spending her entire day at skate parks she's probably not exactly going to be meeting a diverse range of guys. Heart you Nikki but this brutal, unforgiving blood-sport is not for you. Leave it to the crazies and the backstabbers.
Alana, 29, Melbourne, flight attendant
"I have sometimes been told that I'm a bit of an air-head but that just makes me who I am. I'm fun, I'm outgoing and I guess what you see is what you get with me." What you see is ALL you get with Alana. She seems nice but she looks like she lacks any guile and guile is what Bachelor winners have, Alana. She should really play up the fact that she's a flight attendant from a fetish angle, but I'm not sure she'll have any staying power.
Her revelation that, "I'm single because I just date dickheads," was at least honest, but sweetheart, Bachelor Tim is going to watch all of these intros, is that really the best card to be playing at this stage?
Natalie, 34, Model, Melbourne
Natalie doesn't seem to have the "model aura" that some of the "models" on the US version have and I really don't see it being the trump card it's been for others. It's been a proven winner in the past because it presents the Bachelor with a simple proposal, "Do I want to be able to tell people that I have slept with dated a model?" The answer is so often and so predictably, "HELL YEAH I DO!!!!"
Anyway, Natalie seems a bit mean-spirited and competitive, so I'm not sure how this is going to pan out for her. Also referred to herself in the third person, a fatal flaw that hints at further fatal flaws. Natalie could be a supreme peripheral player in the bitchiness though. Can't see her going too far in the competition, but she might take a few other girls down with her. In that respect, she's a perfect Bachelor contestant. Good casting, people!
Ali, 27, Real Estate Agent, Adelaide
"Love is probably the most important thing in my life. I wanna fall in love, I want to have that fairytale wedding, I want to get married and have kids." With those words, Australia was introduced it's first potential Bachelor superstar. If this was a draft, I'm taking Ali with my first round pick.
Before she'd even stepped out of the limo her crazed eyes were affixed on Tim and the almost wedding-style white dress alerted us to the awesome possibility that she might be clinically insane. I cannot tell you how pleased I am with the producers for picking this woman. She's a maniac. Maniacs often get through to the final three but rarely win (yeah I know, Courtney got floppy Ben but that was a lucky escape for the others, that dude was a loser). Anyway, back to "I believe in love at first sight" and "it felt like I was walking down the aisle." The bit where she introduced herself in German was sad and a bit desperate, but different strokes and all that.
Tim's compliment of her dress was met with, "it's all for you." Feminism cops some of its lustiest blows to the head in this show, but that one was a beauty. If Ali doesn't win this show, she's going to find other ways to launch herself into Tim's life, even if that means hiring a private detective and hiding across the street from his house in a white van.
Laura, 24, Customer Relations, NSW
"Laura is beautiful. Great dress, love the smile, just stunning." - Okay, it's fair to say that on looks alone (her red carpet intro was a bit jittery but she fulfilled the basic early-stages requirement of being hot so should be fine) Laura will be getting a rose. Tim looked like a pig in mud when she stepped out of the car.
Emma, 25, Events Manager, Brisbane
Emma chose a great dress for her entrance but probably underestimated the colour clash of it and the red carpet. She managed to make a joke out of it though which was a nice spontaneous moment, so just by appearing to not be a complete Fembot, she should be getting a rose. That is how you enter a Bachelor house, people.
Sarah, 22, Florist, Gold Coast
Sarah is mega-ditzy and a bit of a bogan, but she also seems genuine and fun. Going for a red sparkly dress guaranteed her some attention and Tim's face gave a loud and clear signal that this girl is getting a rose even if she ends up getting so drunk that she's drinking water out of an ornamental fountain by the end of the night. Her revelation that she wants "a big white dress, a horse and carriage, the whole works," wasn't a great moment for her, but hopefully she'll be able to hold back enough to let something genuine happen. Rein in the crazy a bit though, Sarah, looks can only get you so far on this show.
Tim's revelation that Sarah looked like "Jessica Rabbit" was a brilliant monent and immediate insight into his sexual fetishes. Maybe he's not so bland after all. I mean, if that's what he's prepared to say on national TV, maybe we should be checking his google search history for a laugh.
Danielle, 24, Events Coordinator, Melbourne
As opening gambits go, "What makes a good boyfriend? Buying me lots of things," is not the strongest, not most original, but Tim seemed quite taken by Danielle in a physical sense at least. I have a theory that 75-80% of the roses on night one are normally won on the red carpet. You can obviously make a play after that, but you're leaving yourself an uphill climb.
Danielle probably needs to keep her head on a swivel once she gets inside, but she's probably done enough to move through. She does a weird thing where she leaves her mouth open like a ventriloquist doll for no apparent reason, but I'm willing to look beyond that as it might just be nerves
The Others
Sorry Erin, Catherine, and the other girls whose intros weren't even properly covered, we all know that this show has some time constraints and that means you are not getting a rose. If you don't get an extended profile, you're destined to be having conversations like, "No, I really was a contestant on The Bachelor, watch the very start of the first episode, I swear."
Penny, 35, Fitness Instructor, Melbourne
First things first, Penny is crazy in a good way. Not in a "she's going to stab him if he doesn't pick her" way, in a "let's have a salsa dance during my intro and let me tell you how I haven't been on a date in four years" way. She's brilliant. I want her to go the distance because she seems funny and kinda kooky, which is great on this show. However, there is something else that I really really like about Penny, she is clearly a massive Bachelor fan herself. How do I know this?
Well, when Penny got out of the limo and said "Wow, you're a tall drink of water." a casual observer might have just seen it as a weird thing that a spinster might pre-rehearse for delivery on a reality TV show, however and true fan of the Bachelor would know that is not entirely true. That is the exact same statement made by Emily (one of the all-time great Bachelor US contestants) to Brad Womack when they first met on the red carpet. Penny has her head in the game and she's a scholar. Well played Penny, you crazy, salsa dancing genius. God speed, friend.
Oh, she also threw some jazz hands at Tim. This woman is a maniac and I am completely on her side. #TeamPenny
Emily, 30, Brand Strategist, Sydney
Emily is attractive and all that, but to lead with the dreary "are you a Sydney boy or a Melbourne boy?" banter turned me off immediately. She needs to step up to the plate with something more interesting if she's to curry any favour with Tim or the viewers. Ironically, her own brand strategy is not strong. I can't see it happening Emily, I'm sorry. You have no Unique Selling Proposition. Give us something; some salsa, a crude joke, something goddammit! I feel like you're not taking this seriously enough.
Rochelle, 27, Model, VIC
Model alert!!! Wow, Tim gave her some serious eyes and not to be crass about this, but there's the potential she'll go deep into the competition just for her Fantasy Suite X Factor. Look, you can beat around the bush, but we all know that it's a harsh reality of the show. Some lovely, intelligent women get turfed for no good reason and some sneak through to the business end on looks alone. Rochelle could be one of those and her job title will play a big part. It's shallow, but it's also true.
Belle, 29, Student Paramedic, VIC
I'll throw this out there, if I was at death's door and only had Belle at my side to resuscitate me, I'd probably just violently gesture at my organ donor card and be done with this cruel world. Her voice alone would probably have me refusing the jaws of life. Also, she gave Tim a rose quartz then talked about Chakras and needing to find someone who was "in tune with the energy of the earth." Or, "Yerrrr hearrrrt charkraaaas," as she put it. She could be a lot of fun.
Deborah and a no-name, Occupation and location not stated
At the risk of wasting further time here, neither of these two are going through because they didn't receive a proper introduction. Fair enough in the case of the one whose name we didn't even learn, because she wrote her name on Tim's palm, which just isn't classy or funny, or just really even 'a thing'. What was she thinking?
Deborah just seemed like a bit of a downer and an odd-ball, to be honest, but that's just a first impression. Pulling out a magic eight ball was just tragic and somehow seemed worse than the hand-writing that old mate before her went with. Pretty sure Tim wanted to direct her straight back down the red carpet and into the night, but he's not as ruthless a player of this game as me. Surgical intervention also seemed to have negated the possibility that Deborah could provide us with any facial cues to suggest she even liked Tim. She may have been frowning, or smiling, or looking quizzical; who really knows?
Bianca, 31, Fit Model, Melbourne
What is a "fit model" exactly? It sounds like a description used by one of the blokes on Geordie Shore to me. I guess it means "fitness model" or something like that, so I will be looking out for Bianca in the next Rebel Sport catalogue. She also has that really unappealing, haughty sense of entitlement and I'm not sure she'll be a good enough strategist to navigate her way through battle on this show. That slow, Hiltonesque drawl on the end of every statement is really not cute in any way, either. Maybe it's not meant to be, maybe she had a stroke, but I just don't like it. My girlfriend was hiding under a pillow within 5 seconds of this woman opening her mouth so not sure Mum's going to approve, Tim.
She also gave Tim a crappy gift, causing my girlfriend to scream, "BAD. CHOICES!!!" It was a great moment in our relationship.
Elizabeth, 33, Fashion Stylist, Gold Coast via Uganda
Elizabeth is incredible and let's be honest, broke up the aesthetic monotony of the red carpet intros. She seems sweet and had an amazing smile, but we really didn't hear enough from her to suggest that the producers know she'll be a player later on. I fear for Elizabeth; that kind of perfunctory intro sequence is never a good sign. She might last a couple of episodes but I fear that will be it.
Sherri, 28, Make-Up Artist, Gold Coast
Sherri looks a bit like Keira Knightly, but like the Hollywood starlet, we have so far had little indication that she has any distinct personality or danger to offer the show. She seems a bit too nice and normal to be on The Bachelor, to be quite honest. UPDATE: Age columnist par excellence and man about town Jonathan Horn informs me that Sherri is Tim Mathieson's daughter. This has blown my mind, but I'm not sure whether it will have any impact on her chances.
Ashleigh, 25, Perth
Very brief intro, so see ya later Ashleigh. She kind of whinged that she'd had to "come a long way to be here," but when we found that she meant Perth and not, say, a Red Cross post in Rwanda, sympathy was a bit scare. Pretty girl, but can't see much happening for her.
Jolene, 23, Occupation Unknown, Cronulla Shire
WOW. WOW. WOW. This girl will not last more than a night on the show but that is a great shame because she genuinely is something. I mean, the platinum blonde hair paired with the terracotta glaze of fake tan and a white dress, the fact that she was so proud and forthcoming about being "a Shirey", this girl has some real X Factor. Or maybe XXX factor ("I'm a bit of a partier, like a glass of wine, like going fast"). Her face did seem to be, well, tranquilized though, didn't it? On Trista's series of the Bachelorette I thought that PED testing might be neccessary, but how about a recreational drug testing regime? I'm not sure Jolene would get through unscathed...
Also, what was with the heavy breathing? Is that part of it, or was it an attempt at being provocative and sexy? She just sounded like she was about to be let out of a bear enclosure or something. It was weird. "She was a little different to all the girls," said Tim as the entire viewing audience screamed, "No shit, dude, get rid of her STAT!"
"I'll keep my eye out for her." - yeah Tim, keep an eye on your drink as well mate.
Judy, 28, Doctor, Sydney
Judy seems lovely. She made Tim a chocolate rose which wasn't as lame as it sounds and I think he was actually taken by how dorky and genuine she was. She's quite cute, too. I really think the "Doctor" thing will go in her favour as well. She should really use that common ground to her advantage and maybe subtly undermine the intelligence levels of the other women by strategically mentioning it. Those are just my tips though Judy, play it how you see fit. It's a long haul.
She might be a bit highly strung, but she'll hang in there for a while.
The Cocktail Party
The cocktail party started in predictable fashion with Rochelle the model getting bitchy about Ali's age despite the fact that they're both actually the same age. That seemed lost on everyone in the room though. Good-time Jolene stirred the pot by suggesting that Ali was a "poor girl" for having it suggested that she looked 19. At this point my girlfriend yelled out, "Those bitches are going to eat her alive!" So far, so predictable.
Side note: only true amateurs get caught up in bitchy slanging matches before the Bachelor has even walked into the room. Ask yourself this question Ali, are you an amateur? You walked straight into that one.
There was a great moment when Penny made a really earnest, lovely statement about the whole thing being quite daunting and was met with donuts from everyone around her. Rather than act put out, she succeeded in making them all look both stupid and bitchy at the same time. Don't mess with Penny, ladies, she has some armory you don't even understand.
Andrew G came in to remind the girls that they were there for a rose (quick tip Andy, they know how this game works) and introduced Tim for his grand entrance. Ali continued to make unhinged statements about how she'd "never felt this way before," having spent precisely 45 seconds in the company of a bloke she knew virtually nothing about. Jolene added, "I don't want just one rose, I want the whole lot of them," so she either doesn't know the rules of the game or she was talking about the bottles of red wine on the table behind the camera crew.
I guess at the insistence of the producers, Tim immediately dragged Ali away for a private chat and a more lengthy insight into her very specific plans for the rest of hers and Tim's life together. She also talked about her love of kick-boxing and then instructed him to say "to fall in love" in German. Just re-read that sentence and bare in mind that she was pulling this face as he complied:
"That's why I'm here and I hope it's with you. I seriously thought we had a moment," said old Ali before adding in a private moment to camera, "I think he could be my husband. It's too early to say, obviously." Is it Ali? You did actually just say it. You're saying it with your eyes and your intense, tractor-beam scanning of the room. Chill out, lady!
Belle then gave Ali a run for her money in the superfreak stakes by talking to Tim more about "universal love" and "Chakras". Does anyone really think that this woman should be administering conventional medical services to the public? Elizabeth just kept watch at the window to make sure Tim hadn't been covered in crystal dust by this utter lunatic before Anna smartly sidled down to pull him away for private time. Good move Anna, because that also counts as a "save". Seriously, if Belle gets through this round, we can only conclude that he wants to sleep with her. Sorry Tim, but you know that it's true.
Anyway, Anna showed a propensity for ruthlessness and strategy and I rate that. The "steal" is a hard thing to pull off without looking like a complete bitch and she handled it all pretty well. Ali then labelled Jolene "scary", which is a bit like Nick Nolte calling Nicholas Cage a burnout. Alana the flight attendant made a pretty decent fist of things as well, asking Tim about his family and generally making a good impression, while also successfully blocking a "steal" from Bianca. It was a glorious moment, simultaneously strengthening her own personal brand while shitting all over Bianca's. Bianca looked helpless and lost. She's just got no game whatsoever, the poor girl.
From there on it was just a steal-fest. Well, except for Laura who adopted the risky strategy of sitting back, waiting and having a whinge while the rest of the vultures circled. If this was a nature documentary, Laura would have been eaten by a water buffalo in the first five minutes. Get in there love, have a dip! "I don't chase people and maybe that's where I go wrong," she said. Yes Laura, if you never physically approach someone, it's hard to end up dating them. She also can't pronounce "pursue" properly, which isn't great.
Laura should have been taking notes from Judy, who got whisked away by Tim for a private tete-a-tete before the Bachelor ducked off and plucked her this season's first rose. He'd already planned it before they even spoke. Well played Judy, you chocolate-making scene-stealer you! Maybe she shouldn't have burst into tears straight away, but at least it was genuine. It made Ali spit blood too, which was nice.
Twenty-two year-old Sarah negotiated the age gap between her and Tim with aplomb, chatting away before dropping a bit of a bomb, giving precise details of her ideal wedding. On the Bachelor, this can be like a suicide bombing mission that takes everyone else down with you, but Tim must like her because he totally brushed it off. Must be that Jessica Rabbitt image, I guess. Within a minute she had a rose in her hand and had Jolene making snide remarks about "back fat." That's loser talk, Jolene, and you know it.
Despite having already had good face-time with Tim, Ali took herself and her rose-less hands in for an audacious steal. It was crass, unnecessary and utterly compelling. Rochelle appraised it as "desperate" and I'm hoping for more shot-calling like that from the 27yo model. Then out of nowhere, we got the indisputable Number 1 moment of the episode when Ali lent in for a kiss and got shunned by a polite, puzzled Tim (see below). It was excruciating, it was horrifying and it is exactly the kind of moment that makes me love this show
Bianca and Danielle openly enjoyed it, the rest just pretended they didn't want to punch the air and laugh in Ali's face. It was a beautiful thing. Emily then defied my dire predictions to win an early rose and Emma from Brisbane did likewise. Ali was left to whimper "I wanna rose!" as the rest of the girls tried to scramble for time with Tim. Rochelle talked up her vegetarianism and support for animal rights which seemed to draw a bit of a blank with BBQ-loving Tim. She clearly hadn't seen the snag-fest in his intro yet.
Deborah fired a heap of intense questions about "issues with trust and honesty" at the ppor bloke and in doing so lit her chances on fire with a metaphorical flame-thrower. Really Deboarah? The magic 8-ball wasn't weird enough? You had to go all Dr Melfi in the first bloody chat with him? Get your coat and just leave already.
As the buzzer approached, tempers started to fray a little bit. Hand-selected to duck off for a solo chat with Tim, Penny acted like a dork again and seemed totally great. Laura looked like someone had taken the jam out of her donut and Nikki was just bundle of nerves. The final cab off the rank was Jolene, who just further confirmed what an odd-ball she was, slurring and winking her way through a genuinely awkward exchange. She also basically tried to grab his dick, giving a hilarious poignancy to Tim's comment that ,"she's a hard one to get my head around." Like Deborah, her one-on-one time was a glorious disaster. Once she'd judo-chopped Judy's rose in half, she was down and out. Poor Judy, she was always the one who was going to get bullied.
In a nice modern touch, rather than looking over a montage of framed photos and looking like a weird stalker, the Bachelor had an iPad to cast one last eye over his selections. With five girls to chop on the first night, Tim probably didn't have too many concerns as there were some shockers to cull first up. Jolene, Deborah and a couple of the no-namers made swift and predictable exits, while poor Nikki was rather unfairly bundled out in straight sets. I hope she went for a skate the next day and moved on because she was brilliant.
EPISODE 2
So onto the real business at hand; date time! Another gratuitous montage of Tim doing topless exercising at the start of the episode was only fair given the kind of objectification the women were going to be subjected to over the coming weeks
And another note, we saw 24yo Accountant Amy at the start of the episode; where the hell did she come from? Did I miss something in episode one? I doubt it... Laura did a bit more whingeing about how she wanted to be chased (wrong program, love). To the insincere cheering of all the other girls and the outright bitching of Bianca, it was 22yo Sarah who bagged the first private date.
Sarah's Date
When the limo pulled in to pick Sarah up, her insistence that she was "expecting a Maxi-Taxi or something," kind of won me over. She might be a bit of a bogan, but I think she has a self-awareness of her own ditsyness, so I'm reserving judgement for a while. Actually, her insistence that she'd been planning her wedding since she was thirteen and that she wants to have "TEN BABIES!" was an interesting tactical move. Beginning to think she's going to struggle to keep Tim's interest now.
In true Bachelor style, the first date involved a plane ride. Any true Bachelor fan would have seen Tim and Sarah sitting there in the back of that plane and immediately thought of Alex hurling all over Trista about 10 years back. What a douche he was.
I also like that the Bachlor dates set a completely unrealistic expectation of what the relationship is going to be like. I mean, cliff-top picnics and sky-diving are great, but it must be a real come-down when you finish up on the show and are faced with the prospect of using some old Village movie vouchers you got for your birthday and grabbing a pizza at La Porchetta, right?
Anyway, Sarah and Tim ended up on a beach where they rode some horses, a combination Sarah deemed "insane", rather than, say, totally cliched. Lots of allusions to "wearing the pants" and "taking the lead" flew around, a bit of hand-holding ensued when the horses were close enough and we were basically a Daryl Braithwaite musical appearance short of it being a total winner for Sarah. The rose she received as a result was effortlessly earned. In the meantime, the rest of the girls sat around speculating and torturing each other as to how much kissing had occurred between Sarah and Tim. Pretty standard.
Group Date Number 1 - The Fashion Show
After Penny again raked up the fact that she hadn't been on a date for four years, the twelve group date girls headed off to a stately mansion for a retro-themed fashion shoot. Mind you, using the words "glamorous" and "TV week" in the same sentence was a bit ridiculous, call me a snob if you will.
Bianca whinged about her dress for the entire ordeal ("I know it's in the 50s, but am I meant to look 50?"), Ali made sure her beady eyes were darting around the room at all times and Elizabeth looked stunning but unfortunately killed off her chances with some really cringeworthy banter about curries or something. Laura looked great, Danielle even better and everyone else just literally clawed each other out of the way. Bianca had her "ego boosted down" by her dress, Anna jumped in for a posed kiss and totally nailed it, but the whole fashion shoot scene was a bit of a fizzer.
The main highlight out of the whole group date was Emma and Danielle standing and bitching about Ali as the latter stood literally inches from them, making her cry and leading to further cries from Danielle that Alli is "just desperate". I hope all three of them stick around for a while, because that could get ugly in a very entertaining way. Again, judge away, we all know what we're here for. Emma also totally nailed that particular photo shoot, having Tim grab her around the waist as Ali stood in the background pretending to whip him. Ali made a partial recovery with a near-kiss, but the whole thing was mega awkward. Danielle nailed it, won a rose and looks a real contender. I guess she better just hope that Tim doesn't get slipped any footage of the imbroglio with Ali and Emma.
The Rose Ceremony
Tonight was pretty much cut-throat, but before we even got to the rose ceremony, Emma dropped a bomb and left the house, claiming her heart wasn't in it. Tim was shattered and seemed totally thrown by being the one who was being rejected, rather than dishing out the shuns himself. It was a pity, I thought Emma could have been a Final Three contender but she was clearly lacking self-confidence or felt she couldn't compete with the swirling volcanos of spite around her.
In the end, we bade farewell to Elizabeth (not a huge surprise) and Amy (even less of a surprise given I didn't even realise she'd made it through to episode 2 in the first place). So far, so predictable, but I can't wait for next week when we get to see more personalities and players come to the fore.
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